le twenty two

damn i miss the simplicity of innocence. I miss when my journal was filled with romantic ramblings about my crush of the week... or day... or class. Instead, it is more frequently nothing but the bitter ramblings of a bipolar neurotic who doesn't even understand herself.

i turn 22 this year. 22. yea yea yea, its still young, and yea, i have a whole life to live ahead of me. But still, 22 kinda freaks me out. I mean ok. I mean, really. there really isn't any chance for the "stupid kid" excuse or any of those advantages we youths constantly abuse. 18 is the end of your childhood. 19 is kinda lame, but at least your stil waiting for 21. 20, a bit sucky too, but hey, you are no longer a teen. and then 21. Aaahhhh 21. an age of exploration, fun, recklessness. :)
the good days.

and the you get smacked in the frickin face by 22. 22 says, adult. 22 says the beginnings of a career. 22 is watching. 22 is waiting. 22 is keeping tabs. and when 22 comes, and it will come indeed, it is going to bring the full weight of adulthood upon me.

oh joy. :)

Faclempt

Last night I finally started working on my book again. I didn't get very far, but I did at least work on it, and fine tuned it a little more. I have had the first ten or fifteen pages poorly written for years now, and never, ever seem to add to it. But last night, I sat down, and finally began typing it out, instead of leaving it scribbled in one of my composition books, and actually made it work a little. I know I talk about it al the time, but writing has such a theraputic effect on me. I love it. Maybe now, I can actually finish it, though I doubt it will be any time soon.

The problem is that I am such a perfectionist when I write. I can never move on to another part until I know that the part I am working on is perfect. Now, as I am typing it, I am seeing how far off these first pages are, and am forced to revamp it all, but I am liking its progression. I WILL finish this damn book, I WILL.

anywho, I am super duper excited because I get to see my LL, my BFF, my woman, Celena in just four and a half hours. :D I miss that woman sooo much. That woman is my exact opposite. She is a baby killing, Catholic, DEMOCRAT, and yet she will be the maid of honor in my wedding (if there ever is a wedding), and the god mother of my first born. She's my bestest friend. awww so heart warming.

So, I am sitting in the office right now, and instead of doing any relevant work, I am on my facebook on one browser, and blogging on the other. Don't you love it? I do, however love working here. When I first applied for the internship I was really nervous. As set in my Republican ways as I am, I know that I am not your average Republican. So I had it in my head that I would be working with these tight assed, old, conservative men. But to my surprise I work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met, people I consider firends, not just coworkers. And while I don't actually get an y monetary gain, I know that it is soooo going to pay off in the end.

I am Lazy Lauren, we all know that, and school work is the devil to me. So, unfortunately since elementary school, my grades have never truly reflected my capabilites, and sadly that rings true, even in college, at a school that is costing me my first born and my kidney to attend. My only hope is that I will do as well on my LSAT and GRE as I did on my SAT. With a good score and a damn good essay, hopefully schools will be able to overlook my mediocre grades. BUT with an internship like this, which I have been at for a year and a half now, I think, and .:cross your fingers:. and a good recommendation from the Senator himself, there may actually be a future out there for me.

Well enough of that. I am so stressed lately, but strangely calm about it. My roommate's last day in the apartment is today. Nice that I'll have my own room for a little while, but terrifying because it is only two weeks until the first of the month, and I am still sans new roommate. I keep hoping that someone is just going to fall into my lap, because I am not excited about having to Craig's List and share a room with a stranger. However, I do love meeting new people, and I know a good number of people who have had great experiences with CL roomies. so we shall see.

WEYYLLLL, I have been distracting myself from any real work for long enough, so I should probably get back. a tut a leur.

will the real slim shady please stand up?

I have been feeling strangely optimistic today. I mean, like I have literally been in a good mood for daaaaaaays. awkwaaaaard.

anywho. I for once in my life am taking a proactive stance and getting my shit together. I had forgotten what it felt like to actually put effort into my school work, or do things I tell myself I am going to do, when I tell myself to do them. Is this what maturity feels like?

I guess the biggest reason is because I had this weird little epiphany last week. I have been sick for like three weeks, so I have had some good time home alone. Then one day I woke up pretty early despite having time to sleep in. And much as I tried to fall back asleep, I had this nagging urge to wake up. So I woke up, I mean whoever wins a fight with their subconscience? And then I cleeeeaaaaaannnnnneeeeeed. And I don’t mean the half assed stuffing some stuff under the bed and moving stuff around while I call it cleaning, like I have been letting myself slide with lately. I mean I actually cleaned, and it felt so good.

so then, in a good mood because of my clean environment, I sat on my freshly made bed, and just started thinking. And try as I might I couldn't actually envision a future. Like, I could say, I'll graduate, go to law/grad school, start working in some political office, but I just couldn't actually seeeeee it.

so then I started freaking out. Like, what if I have messed up so many times, that I have removed myself from God's plan and am just coasting down some path of despair. What if mediocrity was all that was left for me. and then it just clicked. I mean, reaaaaallllyyyy clicked for the first time. and right then I knew. Even though I don't lead some scandalous life, I am still not lined up with God. I have been such a surface everything - christian, friend, relative.... I don't put an effort into anything.

But it hit me, I just needed to line myself up, and then everything else will fall into place. I even had it reconfirmed the next day at church, which was a whole different experience. Ok, so much as I love to talk, and can be an attention whore... I ABSOLUTELY hate being the center of like... vulnerable attention. I hate compliments, I HATE pity, and I really hate showing emotion and all that junk. SO I'm at church, and the pastor was making a type of call to stand up. And let me just tell you what a skeptic I am. I always find some way to negate the relevance of one of those calls in my life, even when I hear it clearly. But this time, it was one hit after another, and I knew I had to just man up, and do it. SO in my head I'm thinking, a LOT of people are going to stand up right now, then we'll say a prayer and sit right on back down. Confident in that assumption, I stand right on up, only to see how many people WEREN'T joining me in my declaration. THEN to my horror, he announces that the people who stood are to be completely surrounded by the rest of the congregation and individually laid hands on and prayed over.

Thank goodness I know God's humor with me, but I still yelled a little in my head, knowing that it was far too late to sit back down unnoticed. And don't get me wrong, I am glad that I was prayed over, and for the fact that I had strangers praying for me, and even in their vague prayers, they were nailing the exact things I stood up for, reaffirming my reasons to stand up. I just hate that vulnerability sooooooo much. ughhhh. it makes me cringe. So long as I am controlling the situation, I don't mind being the center, but when it’s all eyes on me like that, I REALLY hate it.

but all that to say, that its once to once again feel at least a hint of the liveliness I used to have.

One other place I feel myself growing is in the whole relationship business. I am finding ways to let myself warm up to the idea of boys who may actually be good for me, and cutting away the ones who should have been gone a long time ago. I think I figured out why it is that I am so driven to the ones I know are only going to hurt me. I think it’s a little bit of fear of getting hurt by the other. I mean at least when I get involved with the assholes I am so well known for, I go into ready and anticipating thethe drama or whatever I am already used to. But it’s the idea of finding someone decent enough that I could actually open up to completely, something I don't think I have ever found, that scares me more. Because I know that to get to that place would take a vulnerability (there that is again) that would hurt me so much more if violated or broken. le sigh. it’s the err of my pessimism, I’d rather settle for what I know, than try for something greater. tsk tsk.

Fight Club

I got in my first kinda fight with my bestest friend in the entire world today, on her 21st birthday,

:[

but iti was THE funniest thing in the world. Never argue with a plastered 21 year old with the worst only child syndrome when intoxicated, on the one day of the year that you have to encourage her to drink more. hahah

oh, i love my celena :D

anywhooo

I was thinking today, since I was work at 8 o'clock in the frickin morning, and the only thing I could do to stay awake was think about the randomest things, that I neeeeeed to get plugged into a church. Despite my stubborn inability to just give all my troubles to God, I, for the first time in far too long, feel God's hand directly in my life, I feel the desperate need for Spiritual feasting. The only problem is I have no idea where to go. I have been to Rock Harbor, NMC, and Newport, but while I enjoyed them, never really felt connected. I want to try them again at least once, and others in the area until I find the one that is home, but it is hard sometimes with work and all the other shit, to find the time, motivation, and comfort to go to church for the first time in a long time. Especially if you are going by yourself. Selfish as it may be to admit, and assured as I may be in my love for my Lord and Savior, it can still be hard to get to church, and devote the time that He far more than deserves to working towards pleasing Him.

I just really hope I can find one soon.

:/

Person B

Today has been the philosophical talks day. I don't even know how it all came up, but the gist of the debate was the relevance of act in terms of sinning. For instance, in the terms of sex. The question is, what about sex outside of marriage that is the sin? Is it the act of physical exchange, and giving of yourself that is the sin? I don't think so. I think the sin of the act has nothing to do with the fact that you are having sex, but that you are knowingly and willingly doing someting that God does not intend for us to do. The intimacy of sex, the sharing of bodily fluids, for which the biological intention is to reproduce, is of course very important. Also, the emotional aspects of the act of sex play a huge role. However, are things indicidant of a severity of the sin, or simply aspects which are meant to remind us of the tolls of the act. It is an act which involves all three elements of humans, our bodies, our minds, and our souls. However, the positive and negative outcomes of the act are either the rewards or consequence of use of the gift. I still believe that sin is as simplistically as it can be understood, is the act of going against God. Whether it is a blatant action, or a sinful thought, God knows and sees them all, and forgives them all equally.

This of course sparked another topic. Does God hold one sin higher than the other? If you believe that the action that comits sin is what's important, then yes, One sin can be held more severely than another. If it is in fact the act that is the sin, then the effects on not only yourself, but on others as well, could allow for varying degrees of sinning. But the problem I have with that is that it leaves no room for the uniqueness of each and everyone of us, and the exteremly different struggles we survive, or succumb to. I mean, is it fair to so egocentrically judge acts of others? Only the individual can even begin to comprehend the levels of spiritual warfare behind each other their struggles.

And then I thought, how can any sin logically be held higher than another. Take this example. Say Person A lives as blameless a life as any one could humanly. Accepted Jesus in their first words, and lived as sinlessly, and lovingly as the possibly could, and brought countless people to Jesus. When they die they will go to the same Heaven, and witness the same God, and experience the same amount of love, admiration, and awesome greatness of God, as Person B. Even if Person B murders 838,902 people in the span of their life, rape, pillage, destroy, and sin openly on a regular basis. If in their dying thoughts, Person B truly, absolutely, and entirely repents, and Give their life to Jesus, will that person not go to the same Heaven as the first?

If this is true, then Person A's sins, though signifacntly less numerous or notorious, are worth just as much as all of the sins of Person B. How then, can his sins be worse or more heavily weighed?

Rawwwr I'm a Dinosaur Rawwwr

So today has been a strangely enjoyable day. I slept in for the SECOND time this week, woke up and messed around with my p.i.c. Then, we took off to Westminster mall to get her car all handled, and we ended up shopping for 3 hours.

I'm not going to sit here and recount the whole experience, but we did leave with wuite a few bags full of some gooood shit. pardon my french.

after that was sushi and cartoon time, always fun [God, I have great friends].

then... work...

but every rose has its thorns right.

aaanyways you know what movie I really want to watch RIGHT mofo NOW?

...Jurassic Park. I used to watch that movie like five times a day with my youngest little brother. That was his freakishly obsessive favorite movie. It was the cutest thing in the world. When it was on he'd get all in character and put on his tiny dinosaur trunks and his toy guns, and interact with the movie. He'd direct the charcters, yell at the dinosaurs and laugh to tears at all the same part.

But it wasn't just the two of us that loved that movie. My mom and other younger brother were in love with it too. We had two favorite parts which we laughed at and constantly reinacted while we constantly rewound the scenes. The second favorite was the guy getting eating by the T Rex while on the toilet. But our favorite favorite was always the kitchen scene, with the borther and sister and the raptors. From the dinosaur breath on the glass, to the big ass clicking moster nail.

But the BEST. I meeeeeean best part was of course the girls running screeeeeeeeeeam to the freezer. The pitch of her voice, look on her face, and freakish way she ran with her arms straight out killed us every time.

Well, Chris isn't happy because I'm writing here, and not paying attentiont her. hasta la vista, bebe.

dreaming of mexican men

All of this writing on here hasn't been my only writing lately. I don't know when I stopped trying to stifle my creativity, but damn I am glad that I did already. I am determined to get back into it like I used to, and I want to write a book.

I actually have started a few books through they years, dabbling with different genres and writing styles, and never getting very far in any of them. I had one about a girl who gets shipped off to summer camp for the whole summer, and questioned writing to an adolescent reader. I tried to write thriller, and actually really liked it, but haven't gone back to it. I even tried a teenage love drama type of story, and fearing Nicholas Sparks on the brain, I turned away from the high school setting, vowing never to go back. and then my hiatus began. :[

I don't know why I stopped writing. I mean I not only stopped working on the books I half heartedly started, but I stopped even writing poems, some thing I used to fill composition books with on a regular basis. I just became too.... preoccupied.

And then, my freshman year of college I started the one I am trying to get back into now. Its just kinda weird for me because its turning out to be pretty science fictiony. Science fiction in the Xena meets Wrinkle in Time way, not the Battle Star Gallactica meets the X-Files type you might expect with my love for scary movies and books. Anyway, abstract/wanna be philosophical as my poems could sometimes get, I have never really been a fantasy writer. However, this one, which I neither titled, or planned out any of the plot other than the end, is turning out to be my favorite. I think I really like it because writing like that is challenging me. I like it because writing has been sucha slow and every line has been pruned with my obsession over everything from verbage to syntax. If I ever finish it, it definately will be a tried and tested work. haha

well much as I had intended to rant, rave, and ramble, Chris is home. We're going to enjoy some mexican beer with our mexican food, and..... dream about mexican men? hah noooo we're watching across the universe

:D

love, peace, and chicken grease

The Fig Tree

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." -Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar




Well I am still awake, and in my desperation for something to do, just began reading old journals. As I was going through I was reminded of a book I read not too long ago, which moved me so deeply. Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar was another book I bought at my discount book store, risking a dollar and hoping it was good.

Like Peretti, this book was one I randomly picked up at some early hour one morning, and was immediately captivated. It followed the psychotic ups and downs of a teenage girl, as she struggled to find a peace in her mental state. The character's story closely parallels the story of the author, Sylvia, who commited suicide not long after the book was published, and had suffered from a lot of the same depression and nuerosis that her leading lady did.

The thing about that book which effected me so strongly, was that I could so intimately relate to her. Now, let me precursor this comparison by saying, that I am neither depressed, psychotic, or suicidal. What I mean is, the pain and struggles which served as a catalyst for her problems are things all girls can relate to and often go through. While the experiences in The Bell Jar are obviously far beyond the normal experiences of your average teenage girl, the severity of her circumstances cannot negate the way her sorrow reached so deep in me.

I love books like that. Books that grab you so deep inside. Reading this reminded me of my first time reading Redeeming Love by Francince Rivers.

My freshman year of college, my closest friend in the dorms, who is still one of my besties today, gave me the book for Christmas. I was surprisingly touched by it because it had been her copy and she even wrote the sweetest, uplifting and yet sublte letter on the inside, and encouraged me to dig in.

Well I went to my aunt's for the first few days of break, before I trecked it up to SJ. and it was there that I began and finished that book. Like Bell Jar, the main character of Redeeming Love lived through experiences I have not, and hopefully never will have to live through, in a time I can only image. and, like Bell Jar, I can still find the most blatant parallels between my struggles and hers.

I just (because three straight posts, rambling about my love for books, could never be enough) love the complexity of books, and the ambiguity of written texts. I love the fact 20 people can read the same book, and while the basic plot can easily be agreed upon, the subliminal meanings which every text holds, noble or not, can't really be defined. I love knowing that I can even get different things from good books as I read them, and noting the way my life experiences change my perspective and understanding on different books, as I read them at different points in my life.

ok well

I have once again rambled for far too long about nothing ofconsequence.

so it goes.

girls just wanna have fun

Look at me, seriously on a roll with these posts. What can I say, when I can't sleep, I like to write (but not that again).

I seriously had the best day ever today. When I woke up at 6:30 and couldn't fall back asleep for the life of me, so I was sure that I was destined for a dousy of bad day. I tossed and turned for an hour and finally gave up and took my blanket and my Peretti book to the porch and read. and for once I kept reading, and was still reading when both of my roommates left for work.

I then video aimed (damn, I'm tech savvy) with Mac Daddy, and wished him and early bday. I decided to get ready for work a lil earlier than normal, and ended up gridlocked in fair traffic on fair dr (heh, fair traffic on fair drive...) trying to get to starbucks. after some frustrated side street driving to get away from the parking lot fair had become, I finally made it to Starbucks, taking up my post in the comfy chair with my macch in one hand, and Kurt V in the other.

Speaking of Starbucks (bc when do i EVER deny tangents their time in the spot light?), when did we become such painfully specific consumers? I mean I can't judge any one else, because I am bad as everybody else, but dang. I mean, when did we as humans become so friggin programmed? I love when I order my drink at Starbucks for the first time in front of a new friend. When did the just plain coffee I used to love, fall victim to the triple venti, non fat, upside down, no foam, add whip carmel macchiattos of the world?

oh goodness,

this is why I don't write at three in the morning.

aaaanywho. So yea, I read.... and of course laughed, when doesn't Kurt make me laugh? Then headed to the only job in the world I have ever loved. I mean it. I absolutley love working with the people in the Senator's office that I work at. There's really only five of us ever there at the same time at the most. The Senator, lately becuase he's out of session and therefor out of Sac town, Cynthia, our office manager, and my favorite three. Emanuel and Kevin are both field reps with crass senses of humor, and appreciation for a good time. and then of course Lisa, probably the coolest person I have met in a loooooooong time. I swear I look forward to my weekly rounds in the office, less for the experience, more for the girl talk, and big brother like teasing. I mean, Lisa and I talk about the fact that she is a older, asain version of me. I mean in soooo many ways, especially in our boy troubles and boy choices. And the even bigger bonus of working there is that I am learning, growing, and becoming a lot more confortable with my responibilities, all areas in which I never want to stop improving. It is such a blessing, knowing that while my internship offers no monetary gain, I am learning first hand in an environment with which I am not olny confortable with, but absolutely love to be a part of.

God is good, even when we least deserve it. aint that the truth?

But back on track.The point is, I had a super awesome fun day in the office, what little time I actually spent there, shopped after work with Lis and got THE cutest dress I think I have ever owned, and laughed aaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll day.

all of this preceeded the best part of all, when my love Celena came to visit, and we went to my FAVORITE restaurant, when all of my favorite staff were there, and were treated like royalty.

Then came home and hung out with all my roomies and celena, and played the most amazingly fun board-ish game I have played in a long time.

I love days like today was. Just plain old good days. and you know, with some of the days I have been having lately, it was a much needed nicety.

let tomorrow be just as good.

remember:

after the eye, comes the rest of the storm

stay strong

Return of the Tide

I think my favorite part of my relationship with God is the fact that he constantly uses my favorite hobby, and most common past time, to speak to me. I am an avid reader, and have been since I was a kid, so not only do I appreciate relishing in the excitement of a good book, but it doesn't even compare to knowing that God knows me so intimately that he calls to me through my favorite obsession.

eh, I am rambling. aaaaanywho. I am not particularly a fan of christian fiction, but I read Frank Peretti's Monster a few years ago, and have been a fan since. Well a little while ago I was endulging at my favorite asain discount book store when I came across a double book of his, for one dollar. This Present Darkness and ..... This Prierceing Darkness...? shoot idk the other, but yea for a dollar, so naturally I bought it (and nine others) and it has been sitting on my book shelf since. Frequent trouble sleeping left me wide awake at annoyingly early hours of the morning, and on one particularly nasty night when I couldn't sleep to save my life, I was up til 5 with nothing to do and no one awake to talk to. I naturally turned to my bookcase, but none of the titles called out to me, nothing matched my mood. I didn't even want to read Vonnegut, so I knew something was weird. Finally, frustrated because I couldn't pick anything, I opted to give up and just watch some old DVD. I just had this nagging need to read and then I saw This Present Darkness. Being in a more pessimistic mood with no intention of improving until I got some sleep, I wanted one of my dark humor books, or at least some vampire action, not christian fiction. But I just couldn't help but pick up that book.

Well, there is a point to this long ramble... I think. anyways, as soon as I started reading I knew why I had picked the book... I was supposed to. .:duhn duhn duhn:. I wouldn't have expected that, especially when the premise of the book is a parallel between human and spiritual fields in a science fiction/angel wars kinda way, that God would speak so strongly and specifically to me through it. Since, oh, page.... one, I have felt His stirrings in me. I now go directly to my porch, book under my arm and a cup of coffee in my hand, when I have early mornings.

This book kind of makes me nervous though. In most other cases, my revelation comes at the end of the book, as a sort of epiphany while I'm am thinking about whatever I just finished. And the few times that His message has been aparent since the beginning, it wasn't this.... intense. I mean, I am a fast reader, and usually get through a book in maybe a day or two. The story line of this book alone is interesting enough that I should have been done a long time ago. BUT instead I can barely read like ten pages a day. Its a little overwhelming. Not the book per se, but... I don't know.

I guess the thing about it is, I have been in the longest and most taxing spritual WAR I have ever experienced in my life. The glass ceiling that has been fortifying between me and God has done its damage, and my struggles this year have really gotten a hold of me. Stubborn Lauren, however, even when aware of these things, always has to be constantly reminded by God where she stands and how weak she really is. I know that the greatest reliance I could ever dream of is at my fingertips, and yet my foolish self reliance just won't let Him (or anyone else) in. When did I become such a pessimist?

Ok aaaaanyways. This book is really turning out to be an encouragement. Even in my still stubborn pessimism, when I question if I am imagining this Divine converstaion, or if its really there, I can feel God working in me. Lets just all pray that I can stand back up, and pull through.

I really do need to find a church around here. I keep saying that, and yet, I haven't been to a chruch service in far too long. I have been to, and liked a few churches around here, but haven't ever been able to get connected. I just which I could just find a church home out here, get plugged in, and get back to being grounded with the Lord. Lord, give me strength.




any who ( i really need to stop saying that)

I really do love to write. It has always had this soothing effect on me, and has definately always been my forte in school. I really should get back into it. I used to write songs, and poems, and stories. Being published has always been a goal in my life, but other than my journal, who thankfully in the world of computers helps me remember how to use a pen, and school papers, I haven't written anything in who knows how long.

I don't know why it is that the written word has always captivated me. Whether I am writing it or reading it, I just can't help but be addicted to language. and other languages... don't even get me started. I wish I could be fluent in so many languages. I even, as a middle schooler, added to my list of life goals (which I still have.... and strive for) to learn ten other languages fluently by the time I am thirty. With that nine years away now, I'm not too sure I can master ten, but damn it, I better know at least two.

Communication in general interests me. I love watching people react to eachother. We really are fascinating beings aren't we. How anyone can witness the complexity of human beings alone, let alone this world, or the universe, and not know that there is a God is beyond me. I mean I try to imagine, aaaaaaaaah so much. I shouldn't even start writing about it, because I just get going and going and going, and I probably don't make any sense. But I mean, have you ever tried to image what another sense could be. I mean, consider that if our human bodies are are not our souls at all, what are our souls? What are they made of, feel like, experience? I mean are they even visible. ugh, I am not making sense. I mean, what if, in the spiritual world, as sci fi as that sounds, there is no sight, or touch, or hearing, taste, or smell... but something that transcends that. (oh gosh, now I sound like a psycho). Its just that the the ambiguity of concept of Heaven, and God, and a spiritual world, leaves so much to the imagination. And, while I am sure that we indeed cast our eyes upon the Lord, and sing, and hear his praises, I don't think its in a way that could ever be confined so severely to the limits of our human senses.





ok I am done, now that I have sufficiently documented my sanity. hahaha
but I really do have to run, I've lost the little productiveness I had this morning when I got all long winded. adieu




"Before the tide comes back in, it first has to stop all of its going out." Frank Peretti

Broken

Lord, revive me. I don't want this death of my soul anymore, but I can't seem to bring my self back to life, and I am terrified that I won't be able to make it through. Let me be Lazaraus again, as I struggle to recover, and please, I pray to you, never give up on me, just because I have. I'd coming home.... but this journey is a little tougher than the rest.

be my strength.

Breathe Me (Sia)





Help, I have done it again


I have been here many times before


Hurt myself again today


And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame





Be my friend


Hold me, wrap me up


Unfold me


I am small


I'm needy


Warm me up


And breathe me





Ouch I have lost myself again


Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,


Yeah I think that I might break


Lost myself again and I feel unsafe





Be my friend


Hold me, wrap me up


Unfold me


I am small


I'm needy


Warm me up


And breathe me





Be my friend


Hold me, wrap me up


Unfold me


I am small


I'm needy


Warm me up


And breathe me






























Give me hope,


give me strength,


revive me.

I may not know how to pick my men, but i know how to pick my restaurants

Hi blogger. sorry i have been the shittiest friend ever, but I have returned. ready for an update?

Life has been... interesting lately. I have found myself changing so rapidly, that I even lose myself in the blur. Emo lyric as that may sound, its true. I just hope that i can find a steady ground as soon as possible. Its weird, just when I felt set in my life, and joyful with the friends I call my closest, God gave me a few more, that I cannot possible live without. And through my changes and the changes their growing through, and the craziness that I become with each of them in different ways, I feel like I am transforming. I feel my vulnerablity levels finally losening their death grip on me, and I am finding that it is ok to be happy... for no apparent reason. weird thought right.

aaaaanywho. Following the example of my new BF10, I think that I want to start a new blog. This one is good, so calm down tonto, I'm not ditching your ass, I just kinda want to start a fictional blog. write about everything, and nothing at all. maybe i'll have a steady character, or you know name.. oooh assume a new personality. psychotic, yea... but that makes it all the more interesting. we shaaaallll see.

So anywho. I may be getting promoted at good old tj maxx, AND i've been doing my internship at the honorable Senator Tom Harman's office for a little while now. Look at me being all responsible and shit. :] hahahah. suck on thaaaat. lbalbalbalbalbaaaaaaaa. [just dont ask]

what else is new and exciting in my life? not much. at least nothing of real importance that I want to ramble about for ages, which i think we all can assume would be the case. Oh, one exciting fact, I went to Robert and Jenni's wedding over the weekend. and GUESS who caught the boquet. hahahahahaha. i pray for the other single women at the wedding that the myth is false that the boquet catcher is the next to get married. because if its true, those poor women are going to be waiting a whiiiiiiiiiile. I mean considering my luck with men, though hopefully in my future, marriage is gonna be a looooooong way away.

well, my motivation for this blog has officially committed suicide. so peace ooooowwwwwttttteeee

Emoticons

I am emotional today and I am blaming, though half heartedly, Grey's Anatomy. I am not an emotional person. I do not cry. At least for real life. It scares me. But I let it out in movies, books, and shows. I cry for the fictional peeps, maybe to avoid personal problems, maybe because I'm a freak. So it goes... [yes, i've been reading a lot of Vonnegut lately]. Any who, I know when I have a little too much built up when the shows over, but I'm still trying to cry.

SO, I am going to follow the example of my melodrama, and say, "I have a problem." I am terrified of vulnerablity. There I said it, though to who, idk, but it has been said none the less. My sarcasm, my bluntness, my inward emotions.... all effects of my fear, and my addiction to control.

ANYWAYS, since, you know, those weren't awkward enough... I am changing the subject. Today I left work early because I was sick. Yes, I was legitimately sick, and simply eager to get out of there. I wasn't even sure I was going to be able to drive home. But, alas I did, and by the grace of God alone, managed to snag a parking spot right in front of my place. w00t. My illness drowsified me [yes, drowsified is a word... in the dictionary of Lauren. It means being in the state of extreme drowsiness..............duh.] anyways, it drowsified me enough to knock out spooning my pillow and possible comatose for a good amount of time. Then Emil came over, with starbucks and good conversation. Well, i don't know if you could exactly call it conversation. While we did indeed converse, she got about 1 sentence in edge wise, which managaed to spark an hour long tyrade on my part. Way to be a listener Lauren, tsk tsk. after that I finished Slaughterhouse Five and feeling particularly Vonneguty went to Borders with every intent on buying a few of his books. I got there though, and realized that they were all $14. eff that. so i opted to get ONE and order the rest online. In chosing the loucky $14 winner, I started reading A Man Without A Country and ended up reading the entire thing in the store [and subsequently ordering it later in the night]. My in store reading isn't too impressive though, after all the book can't be more that 200 pages, but I am sure I looked like a lunatic. See, Vonnegut makes me laugh. I mean laugh to the point of tears. I am pretty sure my cheeks hurt to high heaven from laughing, or smiling, trying to hold the laughter in. Need a face work out? read Vonnegut. The man was a GENIOUS. And while, I am NO humanitarian, and I don't agree with 90% of his beliefs, I can definately appreciate his genious. And even when he's making fun of my party, I can't help but laugh... it's brilliant. So yea, six Vonnegut books are on their way as I speak [well, I'm actually not speaking. ALTHOUGH, since this is the written word and words are a part of speech, then perhaps I AM speaking.... just silently. I mean silent speaking is possible... other wise what would be sign language?] one of which is the very one I read. I can't wait for round two.

Anyways, I am describing all of this, and rambling incessantly mainly because it is 6:17 in the morning, and while tired, I am too lazy to go to bed. The joys, and subsequent curse of having your laptop on the coffee table is that it can be a serious distraction when you're trying to leave the living room. c'est la vie.


gnite.










and Lin, I miss you today more that others. I miss you a lot.

Calling

I move in 4 days. I just can't get over that. wittle wauren is growing up. I am moving into my very first apartment, from which i will start paying my very first bills. shibbay. aaaaand .:crosses finger:. I will have my very own car, bought by ME in a matter of weeks. Its such an exciting thought. I go on thrusday to sign my lease, pay rent, and get my keys. And tomorrow I am sending off all the paperwork to get a loan, through which I am buying a car. Thank God something in my life is finally working out.

On a less happy note [because when do i ever write in here when I am happy], I am so not excited to go back to school. Excited to see my friends? yes. But thats about it. Nothing besides the prospect of seeing the few people I miss makes me what to go back. Since school and housing will no longer be connected as of Saturday, there's no joy in the thought of returning. 2 more years. That's all i have to think about, two more years.

Aaaaaanyway. This has been an interesting couple of weeks to say the least. I went to vist my Janey Waney, my lover, my BFF in the whole wide world, Celena fro about a week at the begining of July, and that was amazing. We had a blast, spent the whole weelk goofing off and trying NOT to think about the fact that she is abandoning me and studying abroad for ten fucking months! ten months! wtf am I supposed to do for ten months with out my best friend. Aside from my own selfishness, I am super excited for her, and if anything this means I HAVE to save up money to get out of the country and see her before she's back. .:sigh:. ten months.

Also, I watched the 5th HP movie, hated it. And read the 7th book, and absolutley loved it. Seriously, best one in the series, though I didn't much care for the epilogue.

I also got in touch randomly with an old schoolmate of mine, and we have become pen pals of sorts, writing pages and pages back and forth, so that has been a nice way to pass my time.

And lastly, I finally got to go visit Liss. I was only supposed to be there 3 days, but ended up staying a week, and man am i glad i did. I had so much relaxed fun. I mean seriously, we spent most of our time playing card games, scttergories, or just hanging out talking. I just felt all kinda stress melt away as I was on my l ittle vaction from vaction. And then there was the luncheon.

Ok. so Alissa's fiance's mom was speaking at a luncheon for her church, so alissa, her sister and i went down to irvine to support her. We get there and eat. and then Karen speaks, and then we worship. theeeeeeen the woman who was running it comes up for what I am assuming was supposed to be the closing prayer, the whole time she;s up there [not yet praying, just talking] she keeps looking over directly at me, until finally she's just kinda staring at me. Then she invites any one who needs prayer to come up. Now, in my head, i'm like sure I can use a little prayer about this upcoming year's finances, but other than that I am A-ok. just ine in fact. WEll low and behold, the lady, a complete stranger btw, finally looks directly at me and says she feels a serious need to pray for me, and asks if she can. Being the skeptic I am i'm thinking she wants to pray for deliverance for my pink hair [i dyed it] and lip ring or something, and unenthusiastically go up there. Thankfully she calls all the young women up there. well I close my eyes, and she starts praying for Alissa, who was to the right of me, but i didn't hear a word she said because I was dreading her getting to me. I just hate having the spot on me like that, mainly because I have serious issues with vulnerablity. I get so uncomfortable in situations like that. Well any who, after alissa she moves on to me, and just starts speaking into my life. I mean, she hit all kinds of stuff, stuff that alissa barely knew, let alone ANYONE else in the room. And more and more I feel the little quiver of the lip starting, but i refuse, absolutely REFUSE to cry in public. I hate it. All I remember is hearing "emotional healing" and the one tear that slid down my cheek broke the seal. try as I might, I couldn't stop myself from crying. The more i cried, the more it seemed God fueled that woman's mouth. She spooke in to my past, and then she spoke into my future. And it was completely the word of God.

so longer story shorter, we left there in awe, after all three of us had been prayed over, and that experience has been laying heavy on me, though I managed to brush it to the back burners. Back at alissa's house we were relaying the luncheon to her mom, and when we started talking about me and the lady, alissa reminded me of a letter I got from a friend last semester that completely broke me. It seemed like that woman hit every pointe the letter said, and like this, this friend isn't a particularly close friend, more of an aquantance actually, and she could have never known about ANY of the things she wrote about.

So i got home yesterday, and both of those things were just heavy on me. I started realizing how much more i need to rely on God. And asking my self how many times God had to tell me the same thing before it caught on. I even scared myself, wondering how many more chances I'll get. I mean, God is eternally forgiving, but we all know there comes a point when his hand of favor is removed from our lives, and sometimes i worry that I am running out of strikes.

And its not always about sinning. That's not my biggest problem. My problem is that I get so self conscious about my abilities that I doubt that I am capable of doing what God calls me to do. My career choice has been the same since I was ten years old. And I have had continuous spiritual confirmations, and yet when the going gets a little tough, I start to doubt. I constantly remind myself, to no avail, that not only am I doubting myself and my capabilities, but more importantly, by holding on to my "i can do it myself" mentality, I am doubting God's ability to work in my life so much more.

Then to put the cherry on the cake, I woke up to a text message from one of my best friends who is Australia. She apologized for sending it to me so early our time, but felt God had laid me on her heart, and through one message that stretched through 5 texts she affirmed everything that i have been hearing.

.:sigh:.

and yet still i doubt. That kind of responsibility, that kind of calling, that which God keeps pointing me to scares me. It scares me because I still struggle with my insecurities, I still struggle with whether or not I am worth it or capable of it. But most of all, It scares me because I know that in order to do these things God is calling me to do, I have to make a change in me before i can change the world. I just don't know how anymore. I don't know where to start.

All of this to say that I am lost. I'm ready, but I am so lost.

7th cirlce of Hell

You ever feel like you need to just get away? That's pretty much my dominant thought. It's just that everything here overwhelms me. Even though it is summer break, what I really need right now is a nice, relaxing, fun, break. A break from this house. A break from this family. A break from this TOWN.

At the beginning of the summer, things actually looked hopeful. My mom and I were getting along a lot better than we have, my brothers seemed pretty cool with each other, and I was hanging out with Caity. But I was skeptical. After all, being here as fooled me more than once. And alas, just as I was getting comfortable, all the pleasantries began to crumble.

This house.... ugh. Its like no matter how well or how many times I clean it, the next day its worse than its ever been. I just... I hate this house.

And oh man, the home life. I mean, let me precursor this by saying that my family isn't always completely disfunctional. There are a lot of good times between us. But honestly, who rants about the good times these days. The problem is, when my mother gets stressed she likes to stress everyone out, by letting everything boil her blood. She becomes this walking time bomb, in which she tries to use her anger and threats to motivate me and my brothers. However, we were born of her, and therefore have quite a bit of stubborness in us. And I know, for me at least, that the last thing someone should do if they want me to do something is piss me off. Because all that does is make me all the more defiant and a hell of a lot meaner. [me, mean? shocking, I know.] And that's not to say that I am completely right in my reaction, but that's how it goes in my house none the less.

Aaaaaaand then. And this is good. My mother has decided to become this "righteous" woman of God. I mean, I'm all for that when it's not simply the regurgitation of the good little gossip women of our church, rather than things that she can back up with something other than, "well when the Holy Spirit speaks to me...." Yea has the Holy Spirit told you that maybe smoking isn't so good. And that whole walking time bomb tempermant, not such a good image. Instead, she doesn't feel she can have Harry Potter in her house. hahahhahaahhahahahahahahahahhahaha I mean this coming from the woman who watches MTV religiously, and who is the very person who helped me find my interest in Stephen King... when I was 10. Or how about this one I got today. She tells me that I can't be coming in at three in the morning any more. So I tell her wgere I was, and she knows I was with someone she very much trusts and all that. And her answer is that I am a grown woman, I don't need to tell her where I go, but if I'm going to be out that late, just stay out. So I say, well what is my curfew [of course there was quite a bit of attitude in that last word, seeing as I don't think I have ever had a curfew in my life.] And she says I don't have one, I am grown. So, confused, I ask what time I have to be in by. She answers the same, adding "if you're out 'late.'" So now I have an attitude because this is bullshit. "Don't come in at three, just stay out" but "you're grown, you don't need a curfew." I mean, honestly, if someone understands that logic, enlighten me.

Ughhhhh. I just don't understand her. And while I could go on and on and on, I won't. I'm just so frustrated with everything. This is what being here does to me, it drives me fucking insane.

Anyway, everyting hasn't been horrible. My love, miss LaTosha Crunk [fyi she's like the whitest girl you'll ever know] is in town for the summer, and we have been near inseperable. And I can thank her for my momentary freedom from this hell hole. She and I went with her friend Val to Riverside last night to see our friend Denny play at an acoustic show. And seriously, it was so nice to be out of this town, and just having a plain old good time. There were some really awesome musicians there, some not so good ones, and Denny was great. Then we went out to eat and laughed for hours. Then .:sigh:. back to hemet. Though, I will admit I did manage to have some fun, despite my location. We went and a bunch of us girls, and a guy, goofed off then played "loaded questions" until we were all about to pass out and left at two. Then in typical Lauren and Tosha fashion we sat in my driveway talking for an hour and stopping only because all of our laughing was making our bladders burst.

I honestly don't know what I would do with out Tosha here. I mean, I don't really have any one out here, and the one person I can usually rely on is pregnant, and practically on bedrest by her mother.

again, I repeat I need to get out of here. Lord, willing I will be down in a couple weeks for the two uber exciting Harry Potter releases, that is unless the "Holy Spirit" leads my mother to forbid me. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

oh, and another thing. I think its funny how for almost year I swore I liked someone more than anyone before, and maybe I did, and then I woke up one day and realized it was gone. no more. caput. It's a good thing though. I'm kinda over guys, but not in like the angsty ways most girls find themselves over the opposite sex, but simply because I am. I need to cool it, and live up the single life. All I had to do to come to this conclusion was look at all my past relationships. I don't think I have ever dated a guy I honestly liked. And it's not like I didn't know this going into all of this relationships, I did. But I went ahead anyways. And everytime I ended up looking like a bitch, or just plain hurt. And despite my eagerness to jump into those "relationships" I have run from every good man [or boy heh] that I have ever like. 10 points for the home team. I will admit though, this hiatus is rather nice. :]

Boredom

I don't think I have ever been so bored in my life. So far this summer has been my least productive... ever. I have done nothing but sit on my ass, and to tell you the truth I love it. But pretty soon I really need to get off of my lazy ass and get a job. I do, afterall have an apartment to pay for come the end of summer, and hopefully a car to buy, so I'll need lots of money.

I went to Arizona with my family last weekend and had a lot more fun than I thought I would. My mom's friend and her husband have property out there, so we went and stayed with them for four days. I used this free time to catch up on sleep, catch up on Harry Potter, ride quads, and even did a little shotgun shooting. All in all I actually enjoyed myself, which was a hell of a lot more than I had expected. We even went to the grand canyon, which was neat since it was my first time. So yea. That's pretty much the only thing I have done this summer, besides hanging out with Caity and Melissa around town.

Oh. I did go see Pirates and was pretty let down. I mean, I thought it was hilarious, and I laughed out loud more in it than the other two, but plot and story wise it was kinda lacking. Oh well though, I had fun.

anyways.

I don't really know why I have abandoned my xanga and been writing in here lately. well idk about lately, this is only no. 2 but you know what I mean. Its just nice to change it up I guess. plus, I don't think anyone knows about this one, so I can say a lot more. Not that I'm going to divulge major life secrets here, but idk.

ahh well I guess i'm not as long winded as I thought. good night.

So It Begins

So I was going through some stuff and I remembered that looooong ago I had made a blogger, and yet had never used it. What a shame. I checked, and alas, I have been a member since 2004 and have yet to write a single post. I think it's time to utilize this baby.

Plus, I wanted something besides my xanga. I mean everyone and their mamma has xanga, and sometimes I just want to write where 5 million [slight exaggeration] people won't see it.

Anywho.

What's new in the not so fab life of Lauren? The truth is I have been swarmed with all new emotions this summer. Well maybe all of them aren't entirely new. but for the first time in a long time I have had a chance to.. i don't know... realize them.

I feel like this summer is going to be some sort of turning point in my life, I just have to decide if it's going to be a good one or a bad one.

One turing point for the summer will definately be my family. Lauren is learning to let some o the stubbornness and attitude go [insert .:gasp:.]. Shocking, I know. I have accepted some responsibility for the state of my relationship with my mother, and have decided that, even if it means letting some pride go and biting my tongue, this is going to be a good summer for us... or at least a better one. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy, even in the mere two weeks I have been home, but I'm trying, and that says something... right?

meh, we'll see.

I've also been re-evaluting so many of my close friendships. [see I shouldn't be left alone for too long]. I go back and forth about Tera. We've been friends since 6th grade, and I've never kept a friend as long as her, but sometimes I wonder if she values our friendship as much as I do. We've had countless ups and downs, and the last 4 or 5 years have been far better than their predecssors, and yet... idk. i just don't know. But then every time I start that a clean break might be the best, or fear that she's forgotten me, she does something to show me how foolish I'm being. After all, we've been friends too long to give up now right?

and other than her, who do I have? I mean don't get me wrong, I have many close friends, who I love and wouldn't trade for the world, but none that truly know me. I am the ultimate hoarder of secrets, and often times that makes me feel guilty. Like, maybe I'm not bringing as much as I should. I mean I am pretty open, but I always control it. I control whats told, and often times I only give the surface. Gosh, now I sound like a bitch, but its not like that, I just... idk. worry I guess.

Alissa though, its funny how open I find myself with her. So many times I have said something, something uncalculated and planned out, something from.... the heart [oh god, I sound corny] and have to admit that I didn't know where it came from, or how I admitted it. I'm glad to have a friend like that. someone that I have come to trust so much that I can just, let go.

even still... sometimes I wish I could really let go. Just let it go. I have considered therapy or counceling, or what not.. but idk. I could never actually do it. I just wouldn't be comfortable to share the things that I don't even want to remember. Sometimes I wish I could trade places with my brothers. They were only two and three when we were taken and remember nothing but things my mom and I tell them, and what I wouldn't give sometimes for that kind of ignorance. But who do you share those kind of nightmares with? I could never bring them up to my mom and rehash all the stuff we have so conviently put behind us. My family? ha. that's funny. And I would just be... embarassed I guess to tell any one else.

I don't know where this mood came from. Well I guess I do. The joys of moving out of your dorm room is that while unpacking you come across things you haven't seen in forever. I, for instance found my diaries from 7th-9th grade. scary stuff, I tell you. hahah. man. Those were some of my more depressing days and you can tell by what I wrote. Part of my wants to burn them, and with them the feelings they represent, but on the other hand I never want to forget the things I have grown out of or from. It seemed like every page was filled with telling myself every negative thing about myself, particularly my body. If you really want to know where self esteem issues come from, look at the people speaking into that person's life. So many times I would write about what an aunt or cousin said to me that stings me to this day rereading it, and yet I went on to justify it. But as the pages turned, I could see the ways that negativity manifested in me and I began to see me that way. By the end of the first journal I had resigned myself to being a "fat, ugly, and unloveable" child. How sad, to be what 12? and hell bent on hating yourself? I hate to be reminded of these times in my life, because they only make me remember the outcomes of these feelings. All the ways I hurt myself to feel better, all the ways I more subtly still do. I came to realize that I did it to control the pain. By having my own outlet for pain I was able to forget all the other pains, until I no longer felt pain. I'm still like that, in a sense. I mean, thank God I don't do any of the stuff I used to, but sometimes I feel like I am void of emotion. I let it out on the mundanethings, I cry reading books, watching movies and television, and even listening to some songs, but when it actually comes to my life, I can rarely shed a tear. Can a person ever really grow out of that mindset? Will I ever?







ok. wow. too much writing about... crap. hahah.
some things to look forward to:
♥ Pirates tomorrow
♥ Arizona this weekend
♥ Tera/Cynthia birthday bash
♥ MY BIRTHDAY.. yay 20


"And I am duh-duh-done with all the fuh-fuh-fucking around."
-Modest Mouse