I have been feeling strangely optimistic today. I mean, like I have literally been in a good mood for daaaaaaays. awkwaaaaard.anywho. I for once in my life am taking a proactive stance and getting my shit together. I had forgotten what it felt like to actually put effort into my school work, or do things I tell myself I am going to do, when I tell myself to do them. Is this what maturity feels like?
I guess the biggest reason is because I had this weird little epiphany last week. I have been sick for like three weeks, so I have had some good time home alone. Then one day I woke up pretty early despite having time to sleep in. And much as I tried to fall back asleep, I had this nagging urge to wake up. So I woke up, I mean whoever wins a fight with their subconscience? And then I cleeeeaaaaaannnnnneeeeeed. And I don’t mean the half assed stuffing some stuff under the bed and moving stuff around while I call it cleaning, like I have been letting myself slide with lately. I mean I actually cleaned, and it felt so good.
so then, in a good mood because of my clean environment, I sat on my freshly made bed, and just started thinking. And try as I might I couldn't actually envision a future. Like, I could say, I'll graduate, go to law/grad school, start working in some political office, but I just couldn't actually seeeeee it.
so then I started freaking out. Like, what if I have messed up so many times, that I have removed myself from God's plan and am just coasting down some path of despair. What if mediocrity was all that was left for me. and then it just clicked. I mean, reaaaaallllyyyy clicked for the first time. and right then I knew. Even though I don't lead some scandalous life, I am still not lined up with God. I have been such a surface everything - christian, friend, relative.... I don't put an effort into anything.
But it hit me, I just needed to line myself up, and then everything else will fall into place. I even had it reconfirmed the next day at church, which was a whole different experience. Ok, so much as I love to talk, and can be an attention whore... I ABSOLUTELY hate being the center of like... vulnerable attention. I hate compliments, I HATE pity, and I really hate showing emotion and all that junk. SO I'm at church, and the pastor was making a type of call to stand up. And let me just tell you what a skeptic I am. I always find some way to negate the relevance of one of those calls in my life, even when I hear it clearly. But this time, it was one hit after another, and I knew I had to just man up, and do it. SO in my head I'm thinking, a LOT of people are going to stand up right now, then we'll say a prayer and sit right on back down. Confident in that assumption, I stand right on up, only to see how many people WEREN'T joining me in my declaration. THEN to my horror, he announces that the people who stood are to be completely surrounded by the rest of the congregation and individually laid hands on and prayed over.
Thank goodness I know God's humor with me, but I still yelled a little in my head, knowing that it was far too late to sit back down unnoticed. And don't get me wrong, I am glad that I was prayed over, and for the fact that I had strangers praying for me, and even in their vague prayers, they were nailing the exact things I stood up for, reaffirming my reasons to stand up. I just hate that vulnerability sooooooo much. ughhhh. it makes me cringe. So long as I am controlling the situation, I don't mind being the center, but when it’s all eyes on me like that, I REALLY hate it.
but all that to say, that its once to once again feel at least a hint of the liveliness I used to have.
One other place I feel myself growing is in the whole relationship business. I am finding ways to let myself warm up to the idea of boys who may actually be good for me, and cutting away the ones who should have been gone a long time ago. I think I figured out why it is that I am so driven to the ones I know are only going to hurt me. I think it’s a little bit of fear of getting hurt by the other. I mean at least when I get involved with the assholes I am so well known for, I go into ready and anticipating thethe drama or whatever I am already used to. But it’s the idea of finding someone decent enough that I could actually open up to completely, something I don't think I have ever found, that scares me more. Because I know that to get to that place would take a vulnerability (there that is again) that would hurt me so much more if violated or broken. le sigh. it’s the err of my pessimism, I’d rather settle for what I know, than try for something greater. tsk tsk.
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