Emoticons

I am emotional today and I am blaming, though half heartedly, Grey's Anatomy. I am not an emotional person. I do not cry. At least for real life. It scares me. But I let it out in movies, books, and shows. I cry for the fictional peeps, maybe to avoid personal problems, maybe because I'm a freak. So it goes... [yes, i've been reading a lot of Vonnegut lately]. Any who, I know when I have a little too much built up when the shows over, but I'm still trying to cry.

SO, I am going to follow the example of my melodrama, and say, "I have a problem." I am terrified of vulnerablity. There I said it, though to who, idk, but it has been said none the less. My sarcasm, my bluntness, my inward emotions.... all effects of my fear, and my addiction to control.

ANYWAYS, since, you know, those weren't awkward enough... I am changing the subject. Today I left work early because I was sick. Yes, I was legitimately sick, and simply eager to get out of there. I wasn't even sure I was going to be able to drive home. But, alas I did, and by the grace of God alone, managed to snag a parking spot right in front of my place. w00t. My illness drowsified me [yes, drowsified is a word... in the dictionary of Lauren. It means being in the state of extreme drowsiness..............duh.] anyways, it drowsified me enough to knock out spooning my pillow and possible comatose for a good amount of time. Then Emil came over, with starbucks and good conversation. Well, i don't know if you could exactly call it conversation. While we did indeed converse, she got about 1 sentence in edge wise, which managaed to spark an hour long tyrade on my part. Way to be a listener Lauren, tsk tsk. after that I finished Slaughterhouse Five and feeling particularly Vonneguty went to Borders with every intent on buying a few of his books. I got there though, and realized that they were all $14. eff that. so i opted to get ONE and order the rest online. In chosing the loucky $14 winner, I started reading A Man Without A Country and ended up reading the entire thing in the store [and subsequently ordering it later in the night]. My in store reading isn't too impressive though, after all the book can't be more that 200 pages, but I am sure I looked like a lunatic. See, Vonnegut makes me laugh. I mean laugh to the point of tears. I am pretty sure my cheeks hurt to high heaven from laughing, or smiling, trying to hold the laughter in. Need a face work out? read Vonnegut. The man was a GENIOUS. And while, I am NO humanitarian, and I don't agree with 90% of his beliefs, I can definately appreciate his genious. And even when he's making fun of my party, I can't help but laugh... it's brilliant. So yea, six Vonnegut books are on their way as I speak [well, I'm actually not speaking. ALTHOUGH, since this is the written word and words are a part of speech, then perhaps I AM speaking.... just silently. I mean silent speaking is possible... other wise what would be sign language?] one of which is the very one I read. I can't wait for round two.

Anyways, I am describing all of this, and rambling incessantly mainly because it is 6:17 in the morning, and while tired, I am too lazy to go to bed. The joys, and subsequent curse of having your laptop on the coffee table is that it can be a serious distraction when you're trying to leave the living room. c'est la vie.


gnite.










and Lin, I miss you today more that others. I miss you a lot.

Calling

I move in 4 days. I just can't get over that. wittle wauren is growing up. I am moving into my very first apartment, from which i will start paying my very first bills. shibbay. aaaaand .:crosses finger:. I will have my very own car, bought by ME in a matter of weeks. Its such an exciting thought. I go on thrusday to sign my lease, pay rent, and get my keys. And tomorrow I am sending off all the paperwork to get a loan, through which I am buying a car. Thank God something in my life is finally working out.

On a less happy note [because when do i ever write in here when I am happy], I am so not excited to go back to school. Excited to see my friends? yes. But thats about it. Nothing besides the prospect of seeing the few people I miss makes me what to go back. Since school and housing will no longer be connected as of Saturday, there's no joy in the thought of returning. 2 more years. That's all i have to think about, two more years.

Aaaaaanyway. This has been an interesting couple of weeks to say the least. I went to vist my Janey Waney, my lover, my BFF in the whole wide world, Celena fro about a week at the begining of July, and that was amazing. We had a blast, spent the whole weelk goofing off and trying NOT to think about the fact that she is abandoning me and studying abroad for ten fucking months! ten months! wtf am I supposed to do for ten months with out my best friend. Aside from my own selfishness, I am super excited for her, and if anything this means I HAVE to save up money to get out of the country and see her before she's back. .:sigh:. ten months.

Also, I watched the 5th HP movie, hated it. And read the 7th book, and absolutley loved it. Seriously, best one in the series, though I didn't much care for the epilogue.

I also got in touch randomly with an old schoolmate of mine, and we have become pen pals of sorts, writing pages and pages back and forth, so that has been a nice way to pass my time.

And lastly, I finally got to go visit Liss. I was only supposed to be there 3 days, but ended up staying a week, and man am i glad i did. I had so much relaxed fun. I mean seriously, we spent most of our time playing card games, scttergories, or just hanging out talking. I just felt all kinda stress melt away as I was on my l ittle vaction from vaction. And then there was the luncheon.

Ok. so Alissa's fiance's mom was speaking at a luncheon for her church, so alissa, her sister and i went down to irvine to support her. We get there and eat. and then Karen speaks, and then we worship. theeeeeeen the woman who was running it comes up for what I am assuming was supposed to be the closing prayer, the whole time she;s up there [not yet praying, just talking] she keeps looking over directly at me, until finally she's just kinda staring at me. Then she invites any one who needs prayer to come up. Now, in my head, i'm like sure I can use a little prayer about this upcoming year's finances, but other than that I am A-ok. just ine in fact. WEll low and behold, the lady, a complete stranger btw, finally looks directly at me and says she feels a serious need to pray for me, and asks if she can. Being the skeptic I am i'm thinking she wants to pray for deliverance for my pink hair [i dyed it] and lip ring or something, and unenthusiastically go up there. Thankfully she calls all the young women up there. well I close my eyes, and she starts praying for Alissa, who was to the right of me, but i didn't hear a word she said because I was dreading her getting to me. I just hate having the spot on me like that, mainly because I have serious issues with vulnerablity. I get so uncomfortable in situations like that. Well any who, after alissa she moves on to me, and just starts speaking into my life. I mean, she hit all kinds of stuff, stuff that alissa barely knew, let alone ANYONE else in the room. And more and more I feel the little quiver of the lip starting, but i refuse, absolutely REFUSE to cry in public. I hate it. All I remember is hearing "emotional healing" and the one tear that slid down my cheek broke the seal. try as I might, I couldn't stop myself from crying. The more i cried, the more it seemed God fueled that woman's mouth. She spooke in to my past, and then she spoke into my future. And it was completely the word of God.

so longer story shorter, we left there in awe, after all three of us had been prayed over, and that experience has been laying heavy on me, though I managed to brush it to the back burners. Back at alissa's house we were relaying the luncheon to her mom, and when we started talking about me and the lady, alissa reminded me of a letter I got from a friend last semester that completely broke me. It seemed like that woman hit every pointe the letter said, and like this, this friend isn't a particularly close friend, more of an aquantance actually, and she could have never known about ANY of the things she wrote about.

So i got home yesterday, and both of those things were just heavy on me. I started realizing how much more i need to rely on God. And asking my self how many times God had to tell me the same thing before it caught on. I even scared myself, wondering how many more chances I'll get. I mean, God is eternally forgiving, but we all know there comes a point when his hand of favor is removed from our lives, and sometimes i worry that I am running out of strikes.

And its not always about sinning. That's not my biggest problem. My problem is that I get so self conscious about my abilities that I doubt that I am capable of doing what God calls me to do. My career choice has been the same since I was ten years old. And I have had continuous spiritual confirmations, and yet when the going gets a little tough, I start to doubt. I constantly remind myself, to no avail, that not only am I doubting myself and my capabilities, but more importantly, by holding on to my "i can do it myself" mentality, I am doubting God's ability to work in my life so much more.

Then to put the cherry on the cake, I woke up to a text message from one of my best friends who is Australia. She apologized for sending it to me so early our time, but felt God had laid me on her heart, and through one message that stretched through 5 texts she affirmed everything that i have been hearing.

.:sigh:.

and yet still i doubt. That kind of responsibility, that kind of calling, that which God keeps pointing me to scares me. It scares me because I still struggle with my insecurities, I still struggle with whether or not I am worth it or capable of it. But most of all, It scares me because I know that in order to do these things God is calling me to do, I have to make a change in me before i can change the world. I just don't know how anymore. I don't know where to start.

All of this to say that I am lost. I'm ready, but I am so lost.

7th cirlce of Hell

You ever feel like you need to just get away? That's pretty much my dominant thought. It's just that everything here overwhelms me. Even though it is summer break, what I really need right now is a nice, relaxing, fun, break. A break from this house. A break from this family. A break from this TOWN.

At the beginning of the summer, things actually looked hopeful. My mom and I were getting along a lot better than we have, my brothers seemed pretty cool with each other, and I was hanging out with Caity. But I was skeptical. After all, being here as fooled me more than once. And alas, just as I was getting comfortable, all the pleasantries began to crumble.

This house.... ugh. Its like no matter how well or how many times I clean it, the next day its worse than its ever been. I just... I hate this house.

And oh man, the home life. I mean, let me precursor this by saying that my family isn't always completely disfunctional. There are a lot of good times between us. But honestly, who rants about the good times these days. The problem is, when my mother gets stressed she likes to stress everyone out, by letting everything boil her blood. She becomes this walking time bomb, in which she tries to use her anger and threats to motivate me and my brothers. However, we were born of her, and therefore have quite a bit of stubborness in us. And I know, for me at least, that the last thing someone should do if they want me to do something is piss me off. Because all that does is make me all the more defiant and a hell of a lot meaner. [me, mean? shocking, I know.] And that's not to say that I am completely right in my reaction, but that's how it goes in my house none the less.

Aaaaaaand then. And this is good. My mother has decided to become this "righteous" woman of God. I mean, I'm all for that when it's not simply the regurgitation of the good little gossip women of our church, rather than things that she can back up with something other than, "well when the Holy Spirit speaks to me...." Yea has the Holy Spirit told you that maybe smoking isn't so good. And that whole walking time bomb tempermant, not such a good image. Instead, she doesn't feel she can have Harry Potter in her house. hahahhahaahhahahahahahahahahhahaha I mean this coming from the woman who watches MTV religiously, and who is the very person who helped me find my interest in Stephen King... when I was 10. Or how about this one I got today. She tells me that I can't be coming in at three in the morning any more. So I tell her wgere I was, and she knows I was with someone she very much trusts and all that. And her answer is that I am a grown woman, I don't need to tell her where I go, but if I'm going to be out that late, just stay out. So I say, well what is my curfew [of course there was quite a bit of attitude in that last word, seeing as I don't think I have ever had a curfew in my life.] And she says I don't have one, I am grown. So, confused, I ask what time I have to be in by. She answers the same, adding "if you're out 'late.'" So now I have an attitude because this is bullshit. "Don't come in at three, just stay out" but "you're grown, you don't need a curfew." I mean, honestly, if someone understands that logic, enlighten me.

Ughhhhh. I just don't understand her. And while I could go on and on and on, I won't. I'm just so frustrated with everything. This is what being here does to me, it drives me fucking insane.

Anyway, everyting hasn't been horrible. My love, miss LaTosha Crunk [fyi she's like the whitest girl you'll ever know] is in town for the summer, and we have been near inseperable. And I can thank her for my momentary freedom from this hell hole. She and I went with her friend Val to Riverside last night to see our friend Denny play at an acoustic show. And seriously, it was so nice to be out of this town, and just having a plain old good time. There were some really awesome musicians there, some not so good ones, and Denny was great. Then we went out to eat and laughed for hours. Then .:sigh:. back to hemet. Though, I will admit I did manage to have some fun, despite my location. We went and a bunch of us girls, and a guy, goofed off then played "loaded questions" until we were all about to pass out and left at two. Then in typical Lauren and Tosha fashion we sat in my driveway talking for an hour and stopping only because all of our laughing was making our bladders burst.

I honestly don't know what I would do with out Tosha here. I mean, I don't really have any one out here, and the one person I can usually rely on is pregnant, and practically on bedrest by her mother.

again, I repeat I need to get out of here. Lord, willing I will be down in a couple weeks for the two uber exciting Harry Potter releases, that is unless the "Holy Spirit" leads my mother to forbid me. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

oh, and another thing. I think its funny how for almost year I swore I liked someone more than anyone before, and maybe I did, and then I woke up one day and realized it was gone. no more. caput. It's a good thing though. I'm kinda over guys, but not in like the angsty ways most girls find themselves over the opposite sex, but simply because I am. I need to cool it, and live up the single life. All I had to do to come to this conclusion was look at all my past relationships. I don't think I have ever dated a guy I honestly liked. And it's not like I didn't know this going into all of this relationships, I did. But I went ahead anyways. And everytime I ended up looking like a bitch, or just plain hurt. And despite my eagerness to jump into those "relationships" I have run from every good man [or boy heh] that I have ever like. 10 points for the home team. I will admit though, this hiatus is rather nice. :]

Boredom

I don't think I have ever been so bored in my life. So far this summer has been my least productive... ever. I have done nothing but sit on my ass, and to tell you the truth I love it. But pretty soon I really need to get off of my lazy ass and get a job. I do, afterall have an apartment to pay for come the end of summer, and hopefully a car to buy, so I'll need lots of money.

I went to Arizona with my family last weekend and had a lot more fun than I thought I would. My mom's friend and her husband have property out there, so we went and stayed with them for four days. I used this free time to catch up on sleep, catch up on Harry Potter, ride quads, and even did a little shotgun shooting. All in all I actually enjoyed myself, which was a hell of a lot more than I had expected. We even went to the grand canyon, which was neat since it was my first time. So yea. That's pretty much the only thing I have done this summer, besides hanging out with Caity and Melissa around town.

Oh. I did go see Pirates and was pretty let down. I mean, I thought it was hilarious, and I laughed out loud more in it than the other two, but plot and story wise it was kinda lacking. Oh well though, I had fun.

anyways.

I don't really know why I have abandoned my xanga and been writing in here lately. well idk about lately, this is only no. 2 but you know what I mean. Its just nice to change it up I guess. plus, I don't think anyone knows about this one, so I can say a lot more. Not that I'm going to divulge major life secrets here, but idk.

ahh well I guess i'm not as long winded as I thought. good night.

So It Begins

So I was going through some stuff and I remembered that looooong ago I had made a blogger, and yet had never used it. What a shame. I checked, and alas, I have been a member since 2004 and have yet to write a single post. I think it's time to utilize this baby.

Plus, I wanted something besides my xanga. I mean everyone and their mamma has xanga, and sometimes I just want to write where 5 million [slight exaggeration] people won't see it.

Anywho.

What's new in the not so fab life of Lauren? The truth is I have been swarmed with all new emotions this summer. Well maybe all of them aren't entirely new. but for the first time in a long time I have had a chance to.. i don't know... realize them.

I feel like this summer is going to be some sort of turning point in my life, I just have to decide if it's going to be a good one or a bad one.

One turing point for the summer will definately be my family. Lauren is learning to let some o the stubbornness and attitude go [insert .:gasp:.]. Shocking, I know. I have accepted some responsibility for the state of my relationship with my mother, and have decided that, even if it means letting some pride go and biting my tongue, this is going to be a good summer for us... or at least a better one. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy, even in the mere two weeks I have been home, but I'm trying, and that says something... right?

meh, we'll see.

I've also been re-evaluting so many of my close friendships. [see I shouldn't be left alone for too long]. I go back and forth about Tera. We've been friends since 6th grade, and I've never kept a friend as long as her, but sometimes I wonder if she values our friendship as much as I do. We've had countless ups and downs, and the last 4 or 5 years have been far better than their predecssors, and yet... idk. i just don't know. But then every time I start that a clean break might be the best, or fear that she's forgotten me, she does something to show me how foolish I'm being. After all, we've been friends too long to give up now right?

and other than her, who do I have? I mean don't get me wrong, I have many close friends, who I love and wouldn't trade for the world, but none that truly know me. I am the ultimate hoarder of secrets, and often times that makes me feel guilty. Like, maybe I'm not bringing as much as I should. I mean I am pretty open, but I always control it. I control whats told, and often times I only give the surface. Gosh, now I sound like a bitch, but its not like that, I just... idk. worry I guess.

Alissa though, its funny how open I find myself with her. So many times I have said something, something uncalculated and planned out, something from.... the heart [oh god, I sound corny] and have to admit that I didn't know where it came from, or how I admitted it. I'm glad to have a friend like that. someone that I have come to trust so much that I can just, let go.

even still... sometimes I wish I could really let go. Just let it go. I have considered therapy or counceling, or what not.. but idk. I could never actually do it. I just wouldn't be comfortable to share the things that I don't even want to remember. Sometimes I wish I could trade places with my brothers. They were only two and three when we were taken and remember nothing but things my mom and I tell them, and what I wouldn't give sometimes for that kind of ignorance. But who do you share those kind of nightmares with? I could never bring them up to my mom and rehash all the stuff we have so conviently put behind us. My family? ha. that's funny. And I would just be... embarassed I guess to tell any one else.

I don't know where this mood came from. Well I guess I do. The joys of moving out of your dorm room is that while unpacking you come across things you haven't seen in forever. I, for instance found my diaries from 7th-9th grade. scary stuff, I tell you. hahah. man. Those were some of my more depressing days and you can tell by what I wrote. Part of my wants to burn them, and with them the feelings they represent, but on the other hand I never want to forget the things I have grown out of or from. It seemed like every page was filled with telling myself every negative thing about myself, particularly my body. If you really want to know where self esteem issues come from, look at the people speaking into that person's life. So many times I would write about what an aunt or cousin said to me that stings me to this day rereading it, and yet I went on to justify it. But as the pages turned, I could see the ways that negativity manifested in me and I began to see me that way. By the end of the first journal I had resigned myself to being a "fat, ugly, and unloveable" child. How sad, to be what 12? and hell bent on hating yourself? I hate to be reminded of these times in my life, because they only make me remember the outcomes of these feelings. All the ways I hurt myself to feel better, all the ways I more subtly still do. I came to realize that I did it to control the pain. By having my own outlet for pain I was able to forget all the other pains, until I no longer felt pain. I'm still like that, in a sense. I mean, thank God I don't do any of the stuff I used to, but sometimes I feel like I am void of emotion. I let it out on the mundanethings, I cry reading books, watching movies and television, and even listening to some songs, but when it actually comes to my life, I can rarely shed a tear. Can a person ever really grow out of that mindset? Will I ever?







ok. wow. too much writing about... crap. hahah.
some things to look forward to:
♥ Pirates tomorrow
♥ Arizona this weekend
♥ Tera/Cynthia birthday bash
♥ MY BIRTHDAY.. yay 20


"And I am duh-duh-done with all the fuh-fuh-fucking around."
-Modest Mouse