Fight Club

I got in my first kinda fight with my bestest friend in the entire world today, on her 21st birthday,

:[

but iti was THE funniest thing in the world. Never argue with a plastered 21 year old with the worst only child syndrome when intoxicated, on the one day of the year that you have to encourage her to drink more. hahah

oh, i love my celena :D

anywhooo

I was thinking today, since I was work at 8 o'clock in the frickin morning, and the only thing I could do to stay awake was think about the randomest things, that I neeeeeed to get plugged into a church. Despite my stubborn inability to just give all my troubles to God, I, for the first time in far too long, feel God's hand directly in my life, I feel the desperate need for Spiritual feasting. The only problem is I have no idea where to go. I have been to Rock Harbor, NMC, and Newport, but while I enjoyed them, never really felt connected. I want to try them again at least once, and others in the area until I find the one that is home, but it is hard sometimes with work and all the other shit, to find the time, motivation, and comfort to go to church for the first time in a long time. Especially if you are going by yourself. Selfish as it may be to admit, and assured as I may be in my love for my Lord and Savior, it can still be hard to get to church, and devote the time that He far more than deserves to working towards pleasing Him.

I just really hope I can find one soon.

:/

Person B

Today has been the philosophical talks day. I don't even know how it all came up, but the gist of the debate was the relevance of act in terms of sinning. For instance, in the terms of sex. The question is, what about sex outside of marriage that is the sin? Is it the act of physical exchange, and giving of yourself that is the sin? I don't think so. I think the sin of the act has nothing to do with the fact that you are having sex, but that you are knowingly and willingly doing someting that God does not intend for us to do. The intimacy of sex, the sharing of bodily fluids, for which the biological intention is to reproduce, is of course very important. Also, the emotional aspects of the act of sex play a huge role. However, are things indicidant of a severity of the sin, or simply aspects which are meant to remind us of the tolls of the act. It is an act which involves all three elements of humans, our bodies, our minds, and our souls. However, the positive and negative outcomes of the act are either the rewards or consequence of use of the gift. I still believe that sin is as simplistically as it can be understood, is the act of going against God. Whether it is a blatant action, or a sinful thought, God knows and sees them all, and forgives them all equally.

This of course sparked another topic. Does God hold one sin higher than the other? If you believe that the action that comits sin is what's important, then yes, One sin can be held more severely than another. If it is in fact the act that is the sin, then the effects on not only yourself, but on others as well, could allow for varying degrees of sinning. But the problem I have with that is that it leaves no room for the uniqueness of each and everyone of us, and the exteremly different struggles we survive, or succumb to. I mean, is it fair to so egocentrically judge acts of others? Only the individual can even begin to comprehend the levels of spiritual warfare behind each other their struggles.

And then I thought, how can any sin logically be held higher than another. Take this example. Say Person A lives as blameless a life as any one could humanly. Accepted Jesus in their first words, and lived as sinlessly, and lovingly as the possibly could, and brought countless people to Jesus. When they die they will go to the same Heaven, and witness the same God, and experience the same amount of love, admiration, and awesome greatness of God, as Person B. Even if Person B murders 838,902 people in the span of their life, rape, pillage, destroy, and sin openly on a regular basis. If in their dying thoughts, Person B truly, absolutely, and entirely repents, and Give their life to Jesus, will that person not go to the same Heaven as the first?

If this is true, then Person A's sins, though signifacntly less numerous or notorious, are worth just as much as all of the sins of Person B. How then, can his sins be worse or more heavily weighed?

Rawwwr I'm a Dinosaur Rawwwr

So today has been a strangely enjoyable day. I slept in for the SECOND time this week, woke up and messed around with my p.i.c. Then, we took off to Westminster mall to get her car all handled, and we ended up shopping for 3 hours.

I'm not going to sit here and recount the whole experience, but we did leave with wuite a few bags full of some gooood shit. pardon my french.

after that was sushi and cartoon time, always fun [God, I have great friends].

then... work...

but every rose has its thorns right.

aaanyways you know what movie I really want to watch RIGHT mofo NOW?

...Jurassic Park. I used to watch that movie like five times a day with my youngest little brother. That was his freakishly obsessive favorite movie. It was the cutest thing in the world. When it was on he'd get all in character and put on his tiny dinosaur trunks and his toy guns, and interact with the movie. He'd direct the charcters, yell at the dinosaurs and laugh to tears at all the same part.

But it wasn't just the two of us that loved that movie. My mom and other younger brother were in love with it too. We had two favorite parts which we laughed at and constantly reinacted while we constantly rewound the scenes. The second favorite was the guy getting eating by the T Rex while on the toilet. But our favorite favorite was always the kitchen scene, with the borther and sister and the raptors. From the dinosaur breath on the glass, to the big ass clicking moster nail.

But the BEST. I meeeeeean best part was of course the girls running screeeeeeeeeeam to the freezer. The pitch of her voice, look on her face, and freakish way she ran with her arms straight out killed us every time.

Well, Chris isn't happy because I'm writing here, and not paying attentiont her. hasta la vista, bebe.

dreaming of mexican men

All of this writing on here hasn't been my only writing lately. I don't know when I stopped trying to stifle my creativity, but damn I am glad that I did already. I am determined to get back into it like I used to, and I want to write a book.

I actually have started a few books through they years, dabbling with different genres and writing styles, and never getting very far in any of them. I had one about a girl who gets shipped off to summer camp for the whole summer, and questioned writing to an adolescent reader. I tried to write thriller, and actually really liked it, but haven't gone back to it. I even tried a teenage love drama type of story, and fearing Nicholas Sparks on the brain, I turned away from the high school setting, vowing never to go back. and then my hiatus began. :[

I don't know why I stopped writing. I mean I not only stopped working on the books I half heartedly started, but I stopped even writing poems, some thing I used to fill composition books with on a regular basis. I just became too.... preoccupied.

And then, my freshman year of college I started the one I am trying to get back into now. Its just kinda weird for me because its turning out to be pretty science fictiony. Science fiction in the Xena meets Wrinkle in Time way, not the Battle Star Gallactica meets the X-Files type you might expect with my love for scary movies and books. Anyway, abstract/wanna be philosophical as my poems could sometimes get, I have never really been a fantasy writer. However, this one, which I neither titled, or planned out any of the plot other than the end, is turning out to be my favorite. I think I really like it because writing like that is challenging me. I like it because writing has been sucha slow and every line has been pruned with my obsession over everything from verbage to syntax. If I ever finish it, it definately will be a tried and tested work. haha

well much as I had intended to rant, rave, and ramble, Chris is home. We're going to enjoy some mexican beer with our mexican food, and..... dream about mexican men? hah noooo we're watching across the universe

:D

love, peace, and chicken grease

The Fig Tree

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." -Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar




Well I am still awake, and in my desperation for something to do, just began reading old journals. As I was going through I was reminded of a book I read not too long ago, which moved me so deeply. Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar was another book I bought at my discount book store, risking a dollar and hoping it was good.

Like Peretti, this book was one I randomly picked up at some early hour one morning, and was immediately captivated. It followed the psychotic ups and downs of a teenage girl, as she struggled to find a peace in her mental state. The character's story closely parallels the story of the author, Sylvia, who commited suicide not long after the book was published, and had suffered from a lot of the same depression and nuerosis that her leading lady did.

The thing about that book which effected me so strongly, was that I could so intimately relate to her. Now, let me precursor this comparison by saying, that I am neither depressed, psychotic, or suicidal. What I mean is, the pain and struggles which served as a catalyst for her problems are things all girls can relate to and often go through. While the experiences in The Bell Jar are obviously far beyond the normal experiences of your average teenage girl, the severity of her circumstances cannot negate the way her sorrow reached so deep in me.

I love books like that. Books that grab you so deep inside. Reading this reminded me of my first time reading Redeeming Love by Francince Rivers.

My freshman year of college, my closest friend in the dorms, who is still one of my besties today, gave me the book for Christmas. I was surprisingly touched by it because it had been her copy and she even wrote the sweetest, uplifting and yet sublte letter on the inside, and encouraged me to dig in.

Well I went to my aunt's for the first few days of break, before I trecked it up to SJ. and it was there that I began and finished that book. Like Bell Jar, the main character of Redeeming Love lived through experiences I have not, and hopefully never will have to live through, in a time I can only image. and, like Bell Jar, I can still find the most blatant parallels between my struggles and hers.

I just (because three straight posts, rambling about my love for books, could never be enough) love the complexity of books, and the ambiguity of written texts. I love the fact 20 people can read the same book, and while the basic plot can easily be agreed upon, the subliminal meanings which every text holds, noble or not, can't really be defined. I love knowing that I can even get different things from good books as I read them, and noting the way my life experiences change my perspective and understanding on different books, as I read them at different points in my life.

ok well

I have once again rambled for far too long about nothing ofconsequence.

so it goes.

girls just wanna have fun

Look at me, seriously on a roll with these posts. What can I say, when I can't sleep, I like to write (but not that again).

I seriously had the best day ever today. When I woke up at 6:30 and couldn't fall back asleep for the life of me, so I was sure that I was destined for a dousy of bad day. I tossed and turned for an hour and finally gave up and took my blanket and my Peretti book to the porch and read. and for once I kept reading, and was still reading when both of my roommates left for work.

I then video aimed (damn, I'm tech savvy) with Mac Daddy, and wished him and early bday. I decided to get ready for work a lil earlier than normal, and ended up gridlocked in fair traffic on fair dr (heh, fair traffic on fair drive...) trying to get to starbucks. after some frustrated side street driving to get away from the parking lot fair had become, I finally made it to Starbucks, taking up my post in the comfy chair with my macch in one hand, and Kurt V in the other.

Speaking of Starbucks (bc when do i EVER deny tangents their time in the spot light?), when did we become such painfully specific consumers? I mean I can't judge any one else, because I am bad as everybody else, but dang. I mean, when did we as humans become so friggin programmed? I love when I order my drink at Starbucks for the first time in front of a new friend. When did the just plain coffee I used to love, fall victim to the triple venti, non fat, upside down, no foam, add whip carmel macchiattos of the world?

oh goodness,

this is why I don't write at three in the morning.

aaaanywho. So yea, I read.... and of course laughed, when doesn't Kurt make me laugh? Then headed to the only job in the world I have ever loved. I mean it. I absolutley love working with the people in the Senator's office that I work at. There's really only five of us ever there at the same time at the most. The Senator, lately becuase he's out of session and therefor out of Sac town, Cynthia, our office manager, and my favorite three. Emanuel and Kevin are both field reps with crass senses of humor, and appreciation for a good time. and then of course Lisa, probably the coolest person I have met in a loooooooong time. I swear I look forward to my weekly rounds in the office, less for the experience, more for the girl talk, and big brother like teasing. I mean, Lisa and I talk about the fact that she is a older, asain version of me. I mean in soooo many ways, especially in our boy troubles and boy choices. And the even bigger bonus of working there is that I am learning, growing, and becoming a lot more confortable with my responibilities, all areas in which I never want to stop improving. It is such a blessing, knowing that while my internship offers no monetary gain, I am learning first hand in an environment with which I am not olny confortable with, but absolutely love to be a part of.

God is good, even when we least deserve it. aint that the truth?

But back on track.The point is, I had a super awesome fun day in the office, what little time I actually spent there, shopped after work with Lis and got THE cutest dress I think I have ever owned, and laughed aaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll day.

all of this preceeded the best part of all, when my love Celena came to visit, and we went to my FAVORITE restaurant, when all of my favorite staff were there, and were treated like royalty.

Then came home and hung out with all my roomies and celena, and played the most amazingly fun board-ish game I have played in a long time.

I love days like today was. Just plain old good days. and you know, with some of the days I have been having lately, it was a much needed nicety.

let tomorrow be just as good.

remember:

after the eye, comes the rest of the storm

stay strong

Return of the Tide

I think my favorite part of my relationship with God is the fact that he constantly uses my favorite hobby, and most common past time, to speak to me. I am an avid reader, and have been since I was a kid, so not only do I appreciate relishing in the excitement of a good book, but it doesn't even compare to knowing that God knows me so intimately that he calls to me through my favorite obsession.

eh, I am rambling. aaaaanywho. I am not particularly a fan of christian fiction, but I read Frank Peretti's Monster a few years ago, and have been a fan since. Well a little while ago I was endulging at my favorite asain discount book store when I came across a double book of his, for one dollar. This Present Darkness and ..... This Prierceing Darkness...? shoot idk the other, but yea for a dollar, so naturally I bought it (and nine others) and it has been sitting on my book shelf since. Frequent trouble sleeping left me wide awake at annoyingly early hours of the morning, and on one particularly nasty night when I couldn't sleep to save my life, I was up til 5 with nothing to do and no one awake to talk to. I naturally turned to my bookcase, but none of the titles called out to me, nothing matched my mood. I didn't even want to read Vonnegut, so I knew something was weird. Finally, frustrated because I couldn't pick anything, I opted to give up and just watch some old DVD. I just had this nagging need to read and then I saw This Present Darkness. Being in a more pessimistic mood with no intention of improving until I got some sleep, I wanted one of my dark humor books, or at least some vampire action, not christian fiction. But I just couldn't help but pick up that book.

Well, there is a point to this long ramble... I think. anyways, as soon as I started reading I knew why I had picked the book... I was supposed to. .:duhn duhn duhn:. I wouldn't have expected that, especially when the premise of the book is a parallel between human and spiritual fields in a science fiction/angel wars kinda way, that God would speak so strongly and specifically to me through it. Since, oh, page.... one, I have felt His stirrings in me. I now go directly to my porch, book under my arm and a cup of coffee in my hand, when I have early mornings.

This book kind of makes me nervous though. In most other cases, my revelation comes at the end of the book, as a sort of epiphany while I'm am thinking about whatever I just finished. And the few times that His message has been aparent since the beginning, it wasn't this.... intense. I mean, I am a fast reader, and usually get through a book in maybe a day or two. The story line of this book alone is interesting enough that I should have been done a long time ago. BUT instead I can barely read like ten pages a day. Its a little overwhelming. Not the book per se, but... I don't know.

I guess the thing about it is, I have been in the longest and most taxing spritual WAR I have ever experienced in my life. The glass ceiling that has been fortifying between me and God has done its damage, and my struggles this year have really gotten a hold of me. Stubborn Lauren, however, even when aware of these things, always has to be constantly reminded by God where she stands and how weak she really is. I know that the greatest reliance I could ever dream of is at my fingertips, and yet my foolish self reliance just won't let Him (or anyone else) in. When did I become such a pessimist?

Ok aaaaanyways. This book is really turning out to be an encouragement. Even in my still stubborn pessimism, when I question if I am imagining this Divine converstaion, or if its really there, I can feel God working in me. Lets just all pray that I can stand back up, and pull through.

I really do need to find a church around here. I keep saying that, and yet, I haven't been to a chruch service in far too long. I have been to, and liked a few churches around here, but haven't ever been able to get connected. I just which I could just find a church home out here, get plugged in, and get back to being grounded with the Lord. Lord, give me strength.




any who ( i really need to stop saying that)

I really do love to write. It has always had this soothing effect on me, and has definately always been my forte in school. I really should get back into it. I used to write songs, and poems, and stories. Being published has always been a goal in my life, but other than my journal, who thankfully in the world of computers helps me remember how to use a pen, and school papers, I haven't written anything in who knows how long.

I don't know why it is that the written word has always captivated me. Whether I am writing it or reading it, I just can't help but be addicted to language. and other languages... don't even get me started. I wish I could be fluent in so many languages. I even, as a middle schooler, added to my list of life goals (which I still have.... and strive for) to learn ten other languages fluently by the time I am thirty. With that nine years away now, I'm not too sure I can master ten, but damn it, I better know at least two.

Communication in general interests me. I love watching people react to eachother. We really are fascinating beings aren't we. How anyone can witness the complexity of human beings alone, let alone this world, or the universe, and not know that there is a God is beyond me. I mean I try to imagine, aaaaaaaaah so much. I shouldn't even start writing about it, because I just get going and going and going, and I probably don't make any sense. But I mean, have you ever tried to image what another sense could be. I mean, consider that if our human bodies are are not our souls at all, what are our souls? What are they made of, feel like, experience? I mean are they even visible. ugh, I am not making sense. I mean, what if, in the spiritual world, as sci fi as that sounds, there is no sight, or touch, or hearing, taste, or smell... but something that transcends that. (oh gosh, now I sound like a psycho). Its just that the the ambiguity of concept of Heaven, and God, and a spiritual world, leaves so much to the imagination. And, while I am sure that we indeed cast our eyes upon the Lord, and sing, and hear his praises, I don't think its in a way that could ever be confined so severely to the limits of our human senses.





ok I am done, now that I have sufficiently documented my sanity. hahaha
but I really do have to run, I've lost the little productiveness I had this morning when I got all long winded. adieu




"Before the tide comes back in, it first has to stop all of its going out." Frank Peretti