Faclempt

Last night I finally started working on my book again. I didn't get very far, but I did at least work on it, and fine tuned it a little more. I have had the first ten or fifteen pages poorly written for years now, and never, ever seem to add to it. But last night, I sat down, and finally began typing it out, instead of leaving it scribbled in one of my composition books, and actually made it work a little. I know I talk about it al the time, but writing has such a theraputic effect on me. I love it. Maybe now, I can actually finish it, though I doubt it will be any time soon.

The problem is that I am such a perfectionist when I write. I can never move on to another part until I know that the part I am working on is perfect. Now, as I am typing it, I am seeing how far off these first pages are, and am forced to revamp it all, but I am liking its progression. I WILL finish this damn book, I WILL.

anywho, I am super duper excited because I get to see my LL, my BFF, my woman, Celena in just four and a half hours. :D I miss that woman sooo much. That woman is my exact opposite. She is a baby killing, Catholic, DEMOCRAT, and yet she will be the maid of honor in my wedding (if there ever is a wedding), and the god mother of my first born. She's my bestest friend. awww so heart warming.

So, I am sitting in the office right now, and instead of doing any relevant work, I am on my facebook on one browser, and blogging on the other. Don't you love it? I do, however love working here. When I first applied for the internship I was really nervous. As set in my Republican ways as I am, I know that I am not your average Republican. So I had it in my head that I would be working with these tight assed, old, conservative men. But to my surprise I work with some of the most amazing people I have ever met, people I consider firends, not just coworkers. And while I don't actually get an y monetary gain, I know that it is soooo going to pay off in the end.

I am Lazy Lauren, we all know that, and school work is the devil to me. So, unfortunately since elementary school, my grades have never truly reflected my capabilites, and sadly that rings true, even in college, at a school that is costing me my first born and my kidney to attend. My only hope is that I will do as well on my LSAT and GRE as I did on my SAT. With a good score and a damn good essay, hopefully schools will be able to overlook my mediocre grades. BUT with an internship like this, which I have been at for a year and a half now, I think, and .:cross your fingers:. and a good recommendation from the Senator himself, there may actually be a future out there for me.

Well enough of that. I am so stressed lately, but strangely calm about it. My roommate's last day in the apartment is today. Nice that I'll have my own room for a little while, but terrifying because it is only two weeks until the first of the month, and I am still sans new roommate. I keep hoping that someone is just going to fall into my lap, because I am not excited about having to Craig's List and share a room with a stranger. However, I do love meeting new people, and I know a good number of people who have had great experiences with CL roomies. so we shall see.

WEYYLLLL, I have been distracting myself from any real work for long enough, so I should probably get back. a tut a leur.

will the real slim shady please stand up?

I have been feeling strangely optimistic today. I mean, like I have literally been in a good mood for daaaaaaays. awkwaaaaard.

anywho. I for once in my life am taking a proactive stance and getting my shit together. I had forgotten what it felt like to actually put effort into my school work, or do things I tell myself I am going to do, when I tell myself to do them. Is this what maturity feels like?

I guess the biggest reason is because I had this weird little epiphany last week. I have been sick for like three weeks, so I have had some good time home alone. Then one day I woke up pretty early despite having time to sleep in. And much as I tried to fall back asleep, I had this nagging urge to wake up. So I woke up, I mean whoever wins a fight with their subconscience? And then I cleeeeaaaaaannnnnneeeeeed. And I don’t mean the half assed stuffing some stuff under the bed and moving stuff around while I call it cleaning, like I have been letting myself slide with lately. I mean I actually cleaned, and it felt so good.

so then, in a good mood because of my clean environment, I sat on my freshly made bed, and just started thinking. And try as I might I couldn't actually envision a future. Like, I could say, I'll graduate, go to law/grad school, start working in some political office, but I just couldn't actually seeeeee it.

so then I started freaking out. Like, what if I have messed up so many times, that I have removed myself from God's plan and am just coasting down some path of despair. What if mediocrity was all that was left for me. and then it just clicked. I mean, reaaaaallllyyyy clicked for the first time. and right then I knew. Even though I don't lead some scandalous life, I am still not lined up with God. I have been such a surface everything - christian, friend, relative.... I don't put an effort into anything.

But it hit me, I just needed to line myself up, and then everything else will fall into place. I even had it reconfirmed the next day at church, which was a whole different experience. Ok, so much as I love to talk, and can be an attention whore... I ABSOLUTELY hate being the center of like... vulnerable attention. I hate compliments, I HATE pity, and I really hate showing emotion and all that junk. SO I'm at church, and the pastor was making a type of call to stand up. And let me just tell you what a skeptic I am. I always find some way to negate the relevance of one of those calls in my life, even when I hear it clearly. But this time, it was one hit after another, and I knew I had to just man up, and do it. SO in my head I'm thinking, a LOT of people are going to stand up right now, then we'll say a prayer and sit right on back down. Confident in that assumption, I stand right on up, only to see how many people WEREN'T joining me in my declaration. THEN to my horror, he announces that the people who stood are to be completely surrounded by the rest of the congregation and individually laid hands on and prayed over.

Thank goodness I know God's humor with me, but I still yelled a little in my head, knowing that it was far too late to sit back down unnoticed. And don't get me wrong, I am glad that I was prayed over, and for the fact that I had strangers praying for me, and even in their vague prayers, they were nailing the exact things I stood up for, reaffirming my reasons to stand up. I just hate that vulnerability sooooooo much. ughhhh. it makes me cringe. So long as I am controlling the situation, I don't mind being the center, but when it’s all eyes on me like that, I REALLY hate it.

but all that to say, that its once to once again feel at least a hint of the liveliness I used to have.

One other place I feel myself growing is in the whole relationship business. I am finding ways to let myself warm up to the idea of boys who may actually be good for me, and cutting away the ones who should have been gone a long time ago. I think I figured out why it is that I am so driven to the ones I know are only going to hurt me. I think it’s a little bit of fear of getting hurt by the other. I mean at least when I get involved with the assholes I am so well known for, I go into ready and anticipating thethe drama or whatever I am already used to. But it’s the idea of finding someone decent enough that I could actually open up to completely, something I don't think I have ever found, that scares me more. Because I know that to get to that place would take a vulnerability (there that is again) that would hurt me so much more if violated or broken. le sigh. it’s the err of my pessimism, I’d rather settle for what I know, than try for something greater. tsk tsk.