Tree of Knowledge

As the bible says, the fruit eve gave adam, which, upon its being eaten, consumated the fall of man, was fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I believe that any knowledge of good and evil was a mere after effect, a product of the discernment we were forced to learn as a consequence of the fall, rather than the catalyst of the divide. What I think we truly ate of was the knoweldge of choice, granting us an alternative. It was the knowledge, the actual realization, of our free will. In our free will we learned, or rather had to adapt to the choices of good and evil, right and wrong, but what we chose was independence, free will. Rather than full unity with God, we chose instead to have to choose. The issue isn't whether or not we are found right or wrong in theis world or by God or towards others, those are just part of the discernment of our post fall consciences because our inherency is no longer the inherent goodness of God. We must now surrender our free will to be unified with God, our actions are mere indicidants of our devotion, or lack there of, to God and His will in our lives.

(09.10.09)

(1)

Cyclical madness
clinically insane
what release is there
when you can't feel the pain?

Feeling again means
feeling remorse
dying again
it can't get much worse

living to die
dying to live
fight to survive
when does it end?

spiralling down
to a dismal demise
where do I turn to?
where do I hide?
where did I come from?
when did I die?

bleeding, breathing
heart still beating
eyes open
blindly seeing

waiting, wishing
hoping, praying
plastered on smile
while my life is decaying

facade of composure
memories of strength
habitual failings
turning to hate
vacantly living

spiritually dead
itching for closure
waiting to be fed

starving for purpose
drowning in sin
suffocating slowly
as the water seeps in

fighting for nothing
apathy's won
grabbing for solace
knowing its gone.





(2)

Hope
hoping
hoped
I'm done.
hoped for nothing
now its come.
hoped for answers
got them all:
just keep standing,
never fall.
hope that pushes
hope that's blind
hope thats foolish
got to try.
try to listen
try to learn
try to scream it
must be heard.
hope that echos
hope that speaks
hope I hope resides in me.





(3)

wait.
don't look
don't breathe
just stop and see
wait.
wait.
weight of the world came crashing down
weight of regret
weight of the pain
wait.
wait for redemption
YOU ARE THE CURE
wait for the answer
wait no more
don't wait.
just stop
and breath
wait and see,
wait no more
just believe
don't wait.

thankful.

you wanna know how i' doing? you wanna really know? I am experiencing sensory overload. overload of the senses. if I dare step out of the emotional neutral of the assurance I feel, knowing that this is God' plan, God's will, my duty, and rest in any way on how I feel about all this, its a sensory overload. in two words, its.. a lot.

i am really leaving the country. i am really going to change. i am really living and breathing everyday for a God, my God, THE God. this is all real.

and then i think, well, duh its real! but me? me, God?! yes i know you, yes I love you, yes I want to live and breathe for you. but I, even in that, do not deserve to have my greatest desire fulfilled, my potential given, my biggest dream granted.

when I think about my 11 months abroad, i almost feel shame in how blessed I feel. yes i will be faced with more horrors of this world than i ever could have imagined. yes i will be broken, refined, reDEfined, and emotionally tormented. yes it will take a lot. yes it will hurt. and most importantly yes it will change me. but the scarier the circumstances, the more dangerous the adversary, the more obvious the need, the more MY commitment grows, the more MY need to help is multiplied, the MORE BLESSED I AM. so how, oh Lord, can I, Lauren Cynthia Newborn, even deserve the priveledge of serving you in such a way? how do I get MY dreams answered in ways I could have even imagined?

IM GOING IM GOING IM GOING!

I have been accepted to the July 2010 team!! :D

MyWRBlog:)/

Like a Behbeh

First post of the year, and new decade :)

where to even begin? To say that I have changed since my last post, let alone since my creation of this blog is an understatement. I started this year as not just a changed person, not just a different person, but most importantly a new Lauren.

As 2009, easily one of the darkest years of my life, came to its bitter end, I found myself lost. Imprisoned by my stubborn and decaying self reliance, and fully aware of the desolation of my mental state, I found myself angry, hurt, embarrassed, and confused. More than anything else though, I felt I had been consumed by the apathy which had been the catalyst to my condition. In my selfish masochism, I shut everyone out, eagerly anticipating the numbing silence of my solitude, and it was there, in the darkest hour of my depression, that I finally found.... myself.

For the first time in my life, I found my self hopeless. I thought that all my struggles were hopeless, thought my battles, my problems, and my pains were hopeless, and apathetically surrendered to the anesthetizing redundancy of the cyclical nature of that constantly reoccurring epiphany, until I was delivered a lethal one. Rather than a lack of hope in each of these individual situations, rather than a disdainful pessimism, rather than all I expected to be the source or cause or a place to point any of my fingers, I found instead, a deficit, a complete and utter lack of hope in general. While some epiphanies wound you with the severity of their validity, that one delivered a lethal blow.

It took me finally understanding hopelessness and finally giving up completely for me to allow God to pull me up and pull me out. Forgetting all restraints I let myself fall, and as He has always said, and as I have always known, He caught me in my freefall. He saved me in my plummet , and he carried me in all of my deadweight. Hope you asked for? Truth? Answers, purpose, life, you cried?

"Here it is," He said.

And it was in the silent stillness of true surrender that I could grasp the lifeline before me. Broken, hurting, fragile, and perfectly imperfect, I nakedly accepted the vulnerability of shedding the binding facade of foolish self reliance, and finally, being clothed in the true, forgiving, and fulfilling being of God, I am dead no more. Lauren Newborn, newly reborn again. :)

Happy New Year!

under construction

Why won’t anyone just let me give up? It has become abundantly clear to me how fully I have given up all hope for any improvement to the sorry state in which my lowly life has apparently taken up permanent residence in. Apathetically flowing along the irrelevant streams of this dismal discourse with destiny, I wait for the few remaining concomitants of this pitiful excuse for existence to finally reach the same conclusion I have, releasing me from the binding chords of the their naive commitment to the mantra of hope, as they accept the reality that I am, indeed, a lost cause.

I cannot be saved.

Instead, under the rectifying intentions of redeeming this defeated deviant, I am carried along, lifelessly comatose and puppeteered by pessimism, as the loved ones I have long disappointed remain the frazzled life support for an empty shell. Were there any remnant of emotion in this void, I suppose I would feel some guilt, someTHING.

Sister Lauren Syrup

I don't know what it is in my nature that forces me to give up the second there is any possibility of failure. hence the fact that I continue to run through all of the same cyclical failures, bored of the growing apathy which has become the defining catalyst of my life. God, i need help.

And the worst part is that I didn't always suck this much. I used to be a person of passion, purpose, and potential. and now? I seem to have all the answers for everyone else, and yet I cannot seem to apply any of my wisdom to my own life. One by one, all the comforts of my life appear to be crumbling, and all I can manage to do is to stand safetly in the eye of the storm observing, anticipating, and apathetically waiting for the final swell.

At 22 i was supposed to be a college graduate, ready to take the final step into adult hood, and instead what do i have to show for myself other than an ever growing list of dissappointments. Not that this subject matter is anythign new... it seems to be the Lauren trend to have these painful epiphanies, muster up some sense of motivation which is forgotten by the time the next distraction presents itself. fuck.