I move in 4 days. I just can't get over that. wittle wauren is growing up. I am moving into my very first apartment, from which i will start paying my very first bills. shibbay. aaaaand .:crosses finger:. I will have my very own car, bought by ME in a matter of weeks. Its such an exciting thought. I go on thrusday to sign my lease, pay rent, and get my keys. And tomorrow I am sending off all the paperwork to get a loan, through which I am buying a car. Thank God something in my life is finally working out.On a less happy note [because when do i ever write in here when I am happy], I am so not excited to go back to school. Excited to see my friends? yes. But thats about it. Nothing besides the prospect of seeing the few people I miss makes me what to go back. Since school and housing will no longer be connected as of Saturday, there's no joy in the thought of returning. 2 more years. That's all i have to think about, two more years.
Aaaaaanyway. This has been an interesting couple of weeks to say the least. I went to vist my Janey Waney, my lover, my BFF in the whole wide world, Celena fro about a week at the begining of July, and that was amazing. We had a blast, spent the whole weelk goofing off and trying NOT to think about the fact that she is abandoning me and studying abroad for ten fucking months! ten months! wtf am I supposed to do for ten months with out my best friend. Aside from my own selfishness, I am super excited for her, and if anything this means I HAVE to save up money to get out of the country and see her before she's back. .:sigh:. ten months.
Also, I watched the 5th HP movie, hated it. And read the 7th book, and absolutley loved it. Seriously, best one in the series, though I didn't much care for the epilogue.
I also got in touch randomly with an old schoolmate of mine, and we have become pen pals of sorts, writing pages and pages back and forth, so that has been a nice way to pass my time.
And lastly, I finally got to go visit Liss. I was only supposed to be there 3 days, but ended up staying a week, and man am i glad i did. I had so much relaxed fun. I mean seriously, we spent most of our time playing card games, scttergories, or just hanging out talking. I just felt all kinda stress melt away as I was on my l ittle vaction from vaction. And then there was the luncheon.
Ok. so Alissa's fiance's mom was speaking at a luncheon for her church, so alissa, her sister and i went down to irvine to support her. We get there and eat. and then Karen speaks, and then we worship. theeeeeeen the woman who was running it comes up for what I am assuming was supposed to be the closing prayer, the whole time she;s up there [not yet praying, just talking] she keeps looking over directly at me, until finally she's just kinda staring at me. Then she invites any one who needs prayer to come up. Now, in my head, i'm like sure I can use a little prayer about this upcoming year's finances, but other than that I am A-ok. just ine in fact. WEll low and behold, the lady, a complete stranger btw, finally looks directly at me and says she feels a serious need to pray for me, and asks if she can. Being the skeptic I am i'm thinking she wants to pray for deliverance for my pink hair [i dyed it] and lip ring or something, and unenthusiastically go up there. Thankfully she calls all the young women up there. well I close my eyes, and she starts praying for Alissa, who was to the right of me, but i didn't hear a word she said because I was dreading her getting to me. I just hate having the spot on me like that, mainly because I have serious issues with vulnerablity. I get so uncomfortable in situations like that. Well any who, after alissa she moves on to me, and just starts speaking into my life. I mean, she hit all kinds of stuff, stuff that alissa barely knew, let alone ANYONE else in the room. And more and more I feel the little quiver of the lip starting, but i refuse, absolutely REFUSE to cry in public. I hate it. All I remember is hearing "emotional healing" and the one tear that slid down my cheek broke the seal. try as I might, I couldn't stop myself from crying. The more i cried, the more it seemed God fueled that woman's mouth. She spooke in to my past, and then she spoke into my future. And it was completely the word of God.
so longer story shorter, we left there in awe, after all three of us had been prayed over, and that experience has been laying heavy on me, though I managed to brush it to the back burners. Back at alissa's house we were relaying the luncheon to her mom, and when we started talking about me and the lady, alissa reminded me of a letter I got from a friend last semester that completely broke me. It seemed like that woman hit every pointe the letter said, and like this, this friend isn't a particularly close friend, more of an aquantance actually, and she could have never known about ANY of the things she wrote about.
So i got home yesterday, and both of those things were just heavy on me. I started realizing how much more i need to rely on God. And asking my self how many times God had to tell me the same thing before it caught on. I even scared myself, wondering how many more chances I'll get. I mean, God is eternally forgiving, but we all know there comes a point when his hand of favor is removed from our lives, and sometimes i worry that I am running out of strikes.
And its not always about sinning. That's not my biggest problem. My problem is that I get so self conscious about my abilities that I doubt that I am capable of doing what God calls me to do. My career choice has been the same since I was ten years old. And I have had continuous spiritual confirmations, and yet when the going gets a little tough, I start to doubt. I constantly remind myself, to no avail, that not only am I doubting myself and my capabilities, but more importantly, by holding on to my "i can do it myself" mentality, I am doubting God's ability to work in my life so much more.
Then to put the cherry on the cake, I woke up to a text message from one of my best friends who is Australia. She apologized for sending it to me so early our time, but felt God had laid me on her heart, and through one message that stretched through 5 texts she affirmed everything that i have been hearing.
.:sigh:.
and yet still i doubt. That kind of responsibility, that kind of calling, that which God keeps pointing me to scares me. It scares me because I still struggle with my insecurities, I still struggle with whether or not I am worth it or capable of it. But most of all, It scares me because I know that in order to do these things God is calling me to do, I have to make a change in me before i can change the world. I just don't know how anymore. I don't know where to start.
All of this to say that I am lost. I'm ready, but I am so lost.
