Tree of Knowledge

As the bible says, the fruit eve gave adam, which, upon its being eaten, consumated the fall of man, was fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. I believe that any knowledge of good and evil was a mere after effect, a product of the discernment we were forced to learn as a consequence of the fall, rather than the catalyst of the divide. What I think we truly ate of was the knoweldge of choice, granting us an alternative. It was the knowledge, the actual realization, of our free will. In our free will we learned, or rather had to adapt to the choices of good and evil, right and wrong, but what we chose was independence, free will. Rather than full unity with God, we chose instead to have to choose. The issue isn't whether or not we are found right or wrong in theis world or by God or towards others, those are just part of the discernment of our post fall consciences because our inherency is no longer the inherent goodness of God. We must now surrender our free will to be unified with God, our actions are mere indicidants of our devotion, or lack there of, to God and His will in our lives.

(09.10.09)

(1)

Cyclical madness
clinically insane
what release is there
when you can't feel the pain?

Feeling again means
feeling remorse
dying again
it can't get much worse

living to die
dying to live
fight to survive
when does it end?

spiralling down
to a dismal demise
where do I turn to?
where do I hide?
where did I come from?
when did I die?

bleeding, breathing
heart still beating
eyes open
blindly seeing

waiting, wishing
hoping, praying
plastered on smile
while my life is decaying

facade of composure
memories of strength
habitual failings
turning to hate
vacantly living

spiritually dead
itching for closure
waiting to be fed

starving for purpose
drowning in sin
suffocating slowly
as the water seeps in

fighting for nothing
apathy's won
grabbing for solace
knowing its gone.





(2)

Hope
hoping
hoped
I'm done.
hoped for nothing
now its come.
hoped for answers
got them all:
just keep standing,
never fall.
hope that pushes
hope that's blind
hope thats foolish
got to try.
try to listen
try to learn
try to scream it
must be heard.
hope that echos
hope that speaks
hope I hope resides in me.





(3)

wait.
don't look
don't breathe
just stop and see
wait.
wait.
weight of the world came crashing down
weight of regret
weight of the pain
wait.
wait for redemption
YOU ARE THE CURE
wait for the answer
wait no more
don't wait.
just stop
and breath
wait and see,
wait no more
just believe
don't wait.

thankful.

you wanna know how i' doing? you wanna really know? I am experiencing sensory overload. overload of the senses. if I dare step out of the emotional neutral of the assurance I feel, knowing that this is God' plan, God's will, my duty, and rest in any way on how I feel about all this, its a sensory overload. in two words, its.. a lot.

i am really leaving the country. i am really going to change. i am really living and breathing everyday for a God, my God, THE God. this is all real.

and then i think, well, duh its real! but me? me, God?! yes i know you, yes I love you, yes I want to live and breathe for you. but I, even in that, do not deserve to have my greatest desire fulfilled, my potential given, my biggest dream granted.

when I think about my 11 months abroad, i almost feel shame in how blessed I feel. yes i will be faced with more horrors of this world than i ever could have imagined. yes i will be broken, refined, reDEfined, and emotionally tormented. yes it will take a lot. yes it will hurt. and most importantly yes it will change me. but the scarier the circumstances, the more dangerous the adversary, the more obvious the need, the more MY commitment grows, the more MY need to help is multiplied, the MORE BLESSED I AM. so how, oh Lord, can I, Lauren Cynthia Newborn, even deserve the priveledge of serving you in such a way? how do I get MY dreams answered in ways I could have even imagined?