Return of the Tide

I think my favorite part of my relationship with God is the fact that he constantly uses my favorite hobby, and most common past time, to speak to me. I am an avid reader, and have been since I was a kid, so not only do I appreciate relishing in the excitement of a good book, but it doesn't even compare to knowing that God knows me so intimately that he calls to me through my favorite obsession.

eh, I am rambling. aaaaanywho. I am not particularly a fan of christian fiction, but I read Frank Peretti's Monster a few years ago, and have been a fan since. Well a little while ago I was endulging at my favorite asain discount book store when I came across a double book of his, for one dollar. This Present Darkness and ..... This Prierceing Darkness...? shoot idk the other, but yea for a dollar, so naturally I bought it (and nine others) and it has been sitting on my book shelf since. Frequent trouble sleeping left me wide awake at annoyingly early hours of the morning, and on one particularly nasty night when I couldn't sleep to save my life, I was up til 5 with nothing to do and no one awake to talk to. I naturally turned to my bookcase, but none of the titles called out to me, nothing matched my mood. I didn't even want to read Vonnegut, so I knew something was weird. Finally, frustrated because I couldn't pick anything, I opted to give up and just watch some old DVD. I just had this nagging need to read and then I saw This Present Darkness. Being in a more pessimistic mood with no intention of improving until I got some sleep, I wanted one of my dark humor books, or at least some vampire action, not christian fiction. But I just couldn't help but pick up that book.

Well, there is a point to this long ramble... I think. anyways, as soon as I started reading I knew why I had picked the book... I was supposed to. .:duhn duhn duhn:. I wouldn't have expected that, especially when the premise of the book is a parallel between human and spiritual fields in a science fiction/angel wars kinda way, that God would speak so strongly and specifically to me through it. Since, oh, page.... one, I have felt His stirrings in me. I now go directly to my porch, book under my arm and a cup of coffee in my hand, when I have early mornings.

This book kind of makes me nervous though. In most other cases, my revelation comes at the end of the book, as a sort of epiphany while I'm am thinking about whatever I just finished. And the few times that His message has been aparent since the beginning, it wasn't this.... intense. I mean, I am a fast reader, and usually get through a book in maybe a day or two. The story line of this book alone is interesting enough that I should have been done a long time ago. BUT instead I can barely read like ten pages a day. Its a little overwhelming. Not the book per se, but... I don't know.

I guess the thing about it is, I have been in the longest and most taxing spritual WAR I have ever experienced in my life. The glass ceiling that has been fortifying between me and God has done its damage, and my struggles this year have really gotten a hold of me. Stubborn Lauren, however, even when aware of these things, always has to be constantly reminded by God where she stands and how weak she really is. I know that the greatest reliance I could ever dream of is at my fingertips, and yet my foolish self reliance just won't let Him (or anyone else) in. When did I become such a pessimist?

Ok aaaaanyways. This book is really turning out to be an encouragement. Even in my still stubborn pessimism, when I question if I am imagining this Divine converstaion, or if its really there, I can feel God working in me. Lets just all pray that I can stand back up, and pull through.

I really do need to find a church around here. I keep saying that, and yet, I haven't been to a chruch service in far too long. I have been to, and liked a few churches around here, but haven't ever been able to get connected. I just which I could just find a church home out here, get plugged in, and get back to being grounded with the Lord. Lord, give me strength.




any who ( i really need to stop saying that)

I really do love to write. It has always had this soothing effect on me, and has definately always been my forte in school. I really should get back into it. I used to write songs, and poems, and stories. Being published has always been a goal in my life, but other than my journal, who thankfully in the world of computers helps me remember how to use a pen, and school papers, I haven't written anything in who knows how long.

I don't know why it is that the written word has always captivated me. Whether I am writing it or reading it, I just can't help but be addicted to language. and other languages... don't even get me started. I wish I could be fluent in so many languages. I even, as a middle schooler, added to my list of life goals (which I still have.... and strive for) to learn ten other languages fluently by the time I am thirty. With that nine years away now, I'm not too sure I can master ten, but damn it, I better know at least two.

Communication in general interests me. I love watching people react to eachother. We really are fascinating beings aren't we. How anyone can witness the complexity of human beings alone, let alone this world, or the universe, and not know that there is a God is beyond me. I mean I try to imagine, aaaaaaaaah so much. I shouldn't even start writing about it, because I just get going and going and going, and I probably don't make any sense. But I mean, have you ever tried to image what another sense could be. I mean, consider that if our human bodies are are not our souls at all, what are our souls? What are they made of, feel like, experience? I mean are they even visible. ugh, I am not making sense. I mean, what if, in the spiritual world, as sci fi as that sounds, there is no sight, or touch, or hearing, taste, or smell... but something that transcends that. (oh gosh, now I sound like a psycho). Its just that the the ambiguity of concept of Heaven, and God, and a spiritual world, leaves so much to the imagination. And, while I am sure that we indeed cast our eyes upon the Lord, and sing, and hear his praises, I don't think its in a way that could ever be confined so severely to the limits of our human senses.





ok I am done, now that I have sufficiently documented my sanity. hahaha
but I really do have to run, I've lost the little productiveness I had this morning when I got all long winded. adieu




"Before the tide comes back in, it first has to stop all of its going out." Frank Peretti