So I was going through some stuff and I remembered that looooong ago I had made a blogger, and yet had never used it. What a shame. I checked, and alas, I have been a member since 2004 and have yet to write a single post. I think it's time to utilize this baby.Plus, I wanted something besides my xanga. I mean everyone and their mamma has xanga, and sometimes I just want to write where 5 million [slight exaggeration] people won't see it.
Anywho.
What's new in the not so fab life of Lauren? The truth is I have been swarmed with all new emotions this summer. Well maybe all of them aren't entirely new. but for the first time in a long time I have had a chance to.. i don't know... realize them.
I feel like this summer is going to be some sort of turning point in my life, I just have to decide if it's going to be a good one or a bad one.
One turing point for the summer will definately be my family. Lauren is learning to let some o the stubbornness and attitude go [insert .:gasp:.]. Shocking, I know. I have accepted some responsibility for the state of my relationship with my mother, and have decided that, even if it means letting some pride go and biting my tongue, this is going to be a good summer for us... or at least a better one. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy, even in the mere two weeks I have been home, but I'm trying, and that says something... right?
meh, we'll see.
I've also been re-evaluting so many of my close friendships. [see I shouldn't be left alone for too long]. I go back and forth about Tera. We've been friends since 6th grade, and I've never kept a friend as long as her, but sometimes I wonder if she values our friendship as much as I do. We've had countless ups and downs, and the last 4 or 5 years have been far better than their predecssors, and yet... idk. i just don't know. But then every time I start that a clean break might be the best, or fear that she's forgotten me, she does something to show me how foolish I'm being. After all, we've been friends too long to give up now right?
and other than her, who do I have? I mean don't get me wrong, I have many close friends, who I love and wouldn't trade for the world, but none that truly know me. I am the ultimate hoarder of secrets, and often times that makes me feel guilty. Like, maybe I'm not bringing as much as I should. I mean I am pretty open, but I always control it. I control whats told, and often times I only give the surface. Gosh, now I sound like a bitch, but its not like that, I just... idk. worry I guess.
Alissa though, its funny how open I find myself with her. So many times I have said something, something uncalculated and planned out, something from.... the heart [oh god, I sound corny] and have to admit that I didn't know where it came from, or how I admitted it. I'm glad to have a friend like that. someone that I have come to trust so much that I can just, let go.
even still... sometimes I wish I could really let go. Just let it go. I have considered therapy or counceling, or what not.. but idk. I could never actually do it. I just wouldn't be comfortable to share the things that I don't even want to remember. Sometimes I wish I could trade places with my brothers. They were only two and three when we were taken and remember nothing but things my mom and I tell them, and what I wouldn't give sometimes for that kind of ignorance. But who do you share those kind of nightmares with? I could never bring them up to my mom and rehash all the stuff we have so conviently put behind us. My family? ha. that's funny. And I would just be... embarassed I guess to tell any one else.
I don't know where this mood came from. Well I guess I do. The joys of moving out of your dorm room is that while unpacking you come across things you haven't seen in forever. I, for instance found my diaries from 7th-9th grade. scary stuff, I tell you. hahah. man. Those were some of my more depressing days and you can tell by what I wrote. Part of my wants to burn them, and with them the feelings they represent, but on the other hand I never want to forget the things I have grown out of or from. It seemed like every page was filled with telling myself every negative thing about myself, particularly my body. If you really want to know where self esteem issues come from, look at the people speaking into that person's life. So many times I would write about what an aunt or cousin said to me that stings me to this day rereading it, and yet I went on to justify it. But as the pages turned, I could see the ways that negativity manifested in me and I began to see me that way. By the end of the first journal I had resigned myself to being a "fat, ugly, and unloveable" child. How sad, to be what 12? and hell bent on hating yourself? I hate to be reminded of these times in my life, because they only make me remember the outcomes of these feelings. All the ways I hurt myself to feel better, all the ways I more subtly still do. I came to realize that I did it to control the pain. By having my own outlet for pain I was able to forget all the other pains, until I no longer felt pain. I'm still like that, in a sense. I mean, thank God I don't do any of the stuff I used to, but sometimes I feel like I am void of emotion. I let it out on the mundanethings, I cry reading books, watching movies and television, and even listening to some songs, but when it actually comes to my life, I can rarely shed a tear. Can a person ever really grow out of that mindset? Will I ever?
ok. wow. too much writing about... crap. hahah.
some things to look forward to:
♥ Pirates tomorrow
♥ Arizona this weekend
♥ Tera/Cynthia birthday bash
♥ MY BIRTHDAY.. yay 20
"And I am duh-duh-done with all the fuh-fuh-fucking around."
-Modest Mouse
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